that someone would talk to me who isn’t paid to care.
I don’t want meds. They don’t do shit but dim the feelings. Everything still lurks underneath. Everyone still avoids me. I am still a cancerous disease, unfit for this world. Too awkward, too sensitive, too dark, too talkative, too reactive. Meds don’t change shut and they always eventually stop working. It’s such a stupid fucking dance.
I want a real friend who isn’t afraid of me.
I have none.
Every cell in my body is wired to malfunction.
Vodka and sleeping pills when I get paid this Friday. Till then I’m just entertaining the motions.
21 comments
Oh vodka and sleeping pills..I’ve had such bad experiences with those! be careful! and believe it or not we on SP really care about you and want to help. I know it doesn’t really feel as real as a friend you can see and hug, but its the next best thing! I hope my friendship to you helps!
All I want at this point is a quick way to die. I am tired of feeling physically alone. I’m always the lone wolf never by choice. I’m too strange for human connections I guess.
I know it’s hard to think about anything other than dying, but even faraway connections – just to have someone care enough to speak or write to you – can help.
I can relate to how you feel. I’m not normal enough to be considered human so I have spent my life alone. I just live with my cats and spend all my time online or escaping into TV and movies but even seeing everyone in relationships in movies tends to get me down.
Medication never helped me. I tried over 50 types of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety and ant-psychotic medications from 1990 to 2000 but nothing helps. It is also frustrating talking to someone who is paid to listen but that is my only option.
Finding others who have been or are going through similar situations might help, I’m yet to find anyone who can relate to my problems. I hope you can find some good people on SP who can help you with your specific problems that are causing you to feel this way.
For me, even when meds “work,” I can still feel the problems lurking underneath. They don’t resolve because my brain can handle more serotonin now. My existential dilemmas remain. Of course people who get a paycheck for it can tell me all about my worth, while the people in my life remain silent and distant. It’s all I can do not to scream constantly sometimes.
So true, my Psych can try as long as she likes, she can not get me to believe something or change my thinking, when every interaction with other people conflicts with what she tells me and confirms all my negative thoughts. When reality and the truth is causing my depression, trying to get me to believe in a fantasy will not help. It is truly frustrating.
I know medication can help by improving mood slightly but I believe that small improvement should be used to try and work on improving the things in your life that are causing the depression. That is assuming the problems can be fixed or improved. I don’t feel medication should be relied on solely to solve all depression completely.
Being “too strange” was always an attractive quality to me. If you were on OKCupid and in the right age range, and demonstrated a basic competency in self care… I would ask you out. The unless you are a Republican.
People are so wonderfully different. I never want to date a cookie cutter produced woman. Most older smart guys would agree.
I disagree with your feelings about meds. Sorry. Meds, for me, shift my perspective about my problems not cover things up… But I don’t take the heavy shit. YMMV.
I hope you find some perspective. If you feel you have to go then I hope you go in peace.
Many hugs!
Good thing you’d date me. I guess. Unfortunately I don’t care. This isn’t OkC and I don’t care if the neurosis pushing me to my breaking point is something you find an “attractive quality.” I’m not up at night wondering if some guy will like me. I’m up at night researching methods of suicide.
Hey Dorothy, you said “I’m too strange for human connections I guess.” and I was trying to refute that. I wasn’t trying to pick you up. I’m sorry I offended you.
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have overreacted.
I’ve always been the lone wolf too Dorothy. It isn’t so bad once you begin parenting yourself. There are days when I just sob like an ass in the laundry room while listening to the soundtrack to “Dead Man Walking” but most days it’s just me in my head.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am in my head and don’t connect so well. I will say it gets better if you let it get better, but it’s a slow process.
I don’t know if I can ever be happy being the lone wolf. I crave human connection.
I used to but I simply learned to live without it.
I feel this way all the time. I re-read something I posted a year and a half ago and nothing has changed, nothing has improved, if anything life has become so much worse and hope is fading. I try to be strong everyday and tell myself I will emerge from this darkness eventually, and will be a better person for it. All this pain and loneliness will eventually be a memory- something I was meant to endure. But that’s just desperation isn’t it? I’m clinging to an illusion of a better life because, how else do you cope? You’re not alone, all I’ve ever wanted is to be able to click my ruby slippers and believe there’s no place like home. Wouldn’t it be nice to belong somewhere?
You comment of clicking slippers and wanting to belong somewhere made me smile. The thought of belonging somewhere. I’d hand ruby slippers to you if it would get you home.
It would be absolutely amazing. Even if it’s only among 2-3 people, I just want to feel like there’s somewhere I can go where people love me enough to talk and relate to me. I’m not asking for perfection or expecting that there will never be conflicts. I just want someone to feel like it’s worth it to tell me about them, to tell me about themselves and about life.
Life seems particularly cruel when you ask so little of it. I don’t know you at all so its difficult to offer any insight, but you certainly seem intelligent, perceptive, thoughtful and caring. Why can’t that be enough? I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger but I saw myself in your post and I feel less alone because of it – and that’s something. I find it hard to connect with people altogether (in real time and on the web) and I know you do too but if you’re game, I think you’re worth talking to. Having e-mails to read from a thoughtful, like-minded person might keep my loneliness at bay. At the very least, we might pretend to laugh together about how deeply life has fucked us.
I guess we all feel this one way or another, even people from outside sp. Making friends and real connections is harder than ever nowadays, which is kinda ridiculous considering the “everyone is connected” sort of reality that we’re currently in (internet, portable devices, etc). The best tool i’ve learned (the hard way) in the past few years is never fully trusting bonds, since those can break easily. Funnily enough, i’ve felt more at home on a suicide forum (here) than with people that i’ve known for years in real life… so go figure.
At least here nobody is afraid of you i guess? hopefully your days get a bit better so you’d end up replacing that vodka + pills with something healthier.
I suppose so. I just look around and see everyone able to make some sort of social connection. My coworkers are all tightly bonded. I am a sore thumb. Worse, I am a mutant extra finger. I’m just not supposed to be there at all.
Dorothy,
I will show you a new relationship in life, with me. I will not require you more than your life’s devotion. Join me in cult frightened one.
… No.