Empty

I feel so heart-broken, that even having my depression improve doesn’t feel important to me.  I want to be happy with my ex-fiance.  It feels so cruel for my depression to maybe finally lift a little, only to lose the most important person to me.  I feel like a part of myself is missing.

It just all feels so impossible. Like it can’t be happening.  Or that it shouldn’t be happening.  I just can’t stand it.

I have a friend coming to visit me.  I invited him because I really need a friend, in person, right now.  I don’t have any local friends.  But I don’t know how I’m going to handle his visit.  I feel so slow and sad and empty and he’s an upbeat, high energy, and extroverted sort of guy.  I know it’ll be good for me, to force myself to be social and do things with him.  He might even be able to introduce me to some people here, so I could have some local friends.

But a part of me just doesn’t care, as if it died when my fiance left me.  I feel like no one really understands just how deep our relationship was or just how perfect she is (for me).  I don’t think I’ll ever find someone as amazing as her.  Who else would be willing to have math related wedding rings (my ring would’ve had cos^2(x) and hers would’ve had sin^2(x) since added together they equal 1)?  Who else would have a weird name like I do (admittedly, mine is only weird in spelling- hers is just plain weird even in its country of origin)?  Who else would want to write a program that would calculate the odds in the TV show “Are you the one?”  For that matter, who else would be able to get me to watch bad TV- I would never watch The Bachelor(ette) for anyone else.

I just can’t imagine another woman who has all the qualities I love and want in a partner as much as my ex does.