I actually forgot to mention that I found yet another one, this one a baby. He seems to have come in with the Christmas tree. He’s making a web over the presents my little sister got for me. That has to be good luck or something, I think.
On the bright side, today, for the last day of advent, I went to a different church than I usually do. It was a very enlightening and uplifting thing. Everybody was so personal and warm to me and treated me like a friend after having just met me. And the sermon was about repentance and reconciliation with God, and the healing and joy that follows. It was perfect. Like He was speaking directly to me, giving me the answers I’d been praying for for more than a year. I swear. It was incredible, Hazy.
So why am I here again? Because, I don’t know. I really don’t know. And the disappointment of realizing that I’m already right back where I started from, after only thirteen or so hours since that miracle morning, is just too devastating. It feels like all of the blood in my veins has turned to lead.
I have Jesus Calling that has daily devotionals in it. Last week He was speaking directly to me regarding my circumstances. Frankly I was a little pissed because the path that opened to me isn’t the one I want but it is the one I need.
I’m at a cliff and He told me to leap. So I’m going to close my eyes, put my hand out an leap into the unknown.
Faith without world isn’t dead. Faith without works is my spiritual side resting in preparation for hard work ahead. To blow out birthday candles I need to take a breath, times in my life when my faith has no works is me taking a big spiritual breath in anticipation to blow out candles.
A) Life Affirming Events – A new romance. A new job. Friendship. Travel. Pregnancy. A new hobby that sucks you in. A breakthrough in therapy. Things like these can give you the motivation to change or give you enough clarity to see the direction you want to go in.
B) Life Destroying Events – (I’m not going to list all the nasty stuff that can happen to a person.) Sometimes the aftermath of grief is a genuine willingness to change. Also fear can sometimes be a great motivator. For example I don’t think taking a self defense class is ever a waste.
C) Just Do It – Sometimes you simply decide to change and it happens. This is why I’m a big believer in the “always be trying” philosophy. For example, I lost 117 lbs. The day I started was just like any other day. There were no dramatic avowal to change. There was no crisis moment where I looked in a mirror and it broke. I just drank one less coke and walked 15 minutes more that day. Somehow I kept doing that. I didn’t give up even though I backslid a million times. One day I started noticing real changes in my body and then it was like “hell yes!” BTW, my weight had been pretty much out of control for 15 years and I had gotten to the point where I assumed things would never change. But I kept trying anyway.
It also helps to surround yourself with people that are positive. Friends that are an endless source of negative statements should not be your friend.
Your brain got to where it is simply through small increments of being off kilter applied over a long time. This can be undone but it’s going to take time and effort.
The cool thing is it is totally possible to change yourself to the point that clarity, calmness, humility, self love, and centeredness become self-perpetuating.
Unfortunately, too much of what I’ve written here makes this hunt for peace of mind sound like a goal or destination. The truth is it is a process or journey. It is something you have to deliberately embrace every morning and the distance you are towards where you want to be is much less important than your commitment to living each day in a mindful way.
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12 comments
Because you care enough to adopt that little spider in your kitchen as your own. That’s why there is still hope for you. *hugs*
I actually forgot to mention that I found yet another one, this one a baby. He seems to have come in with the Christmas tree. He’s making a web over the presents my little sister got for me. That has to be good luck or something, I think.
Yep definitely is. (:
And you have your faith.
I guess. But faith without works is dead.
On the bright side, today, for the last day of advent, I went to a different church than I usually do. It was a very enlightening and uplifting thing. Everybody was so personal and warm to me and treated me like a friend after having just met me. And the sermon was about repentance and reconciliation with God, and the healing and joy that follows. It was perfect. Like He was speaking directly to me, giving me the answers I’d been praying for for more than a year. I swear. It was incredible, Hazy.
So why am I here again? Because, I don’t know. I really don’t know. And the disappointment of realizing that I’m already right back where I started from, after only thirteen or so hours since that miracle morning, is just too devastating. It feels like all of the blood in my veins has turned to lead.
God gives me what I need never what I want.
I have Jesus Calling that has daily devotionals in it. Last week He was speaking directly to me regarding my circumstances. Frankly I was a little pissed because the path that opened to me isn’t the one I want but it is the one I need.
I’m at a cliff and He told me to leap. So I’m going to close my eyes, put my hand out an leap into the unknown.
Faith without world isn’t dead. Faith without works is my spiritual side resting in preparation for hard work ahead. To blow out birthday candles I need to take a breath, times in my life when my faith has no works is me taking a big spiritual breath in anticipation to blow out candles.
You being here with us isn’t failure. It is effectively using resources in order to move forward in your life.
By “still here” I meant “still cripplingly depressed and suicidal”, not still alive.
But anyway, thanks, Hazy. I want to believe what you said about works, and I’m going to try to.
Oh, nor did I mean “still on SP”. Sorry about these misunderstandings.
Hell yes, there is hope.
A) Life Affirming Events – A new romance. A new job. Friendship. Travel. Pregnancy. A new hobby that sucks you in. A breakthrough in therapy. Things like these can give you the motivation to change or give you enough clarity to see the direction you want to go in.
B) Life Destroying Events – (I’m not going to list all the nasty stuff that can happen to a person.) Sometimes the aftermath of grief is a genuine willingness to change. Also fear can sometimes be a great motivator. For example I don’t think taking a self defense class is ever a waste.
C) Just Do It – Sometimes you simply decide to change and it happens. This is why I’m a big believer in the “always be trying” philosophy. For example, I lost 117 lbs. The day I started was just like any other day. There were no dramatic avowal to change. There was no crisis moment where I looked in a mirror and it broke. I just drank one less coke and walked 15 minutes more that day. Somehow I kept doing that. I didn’t give up even though I backslid a million times. One day I started noticing real changes in my body and then it was like “hell yes!” BTW, my weight had been pretty much out of control for 15 years and I had gotten to the point where I assumed things would never change. But I kept trying anyway.
It also helps to surround yourself with people that are positive. Friends that are an endless source of negative statements should not be your friend.
Your brain got to where it is simply through small increments of being off kilter applied over a long time. This can be undone but it’s going to take time and effort.
The cool thing is it is totally possible to change yourself to the point that clarity, calmness, humility, self love, and centeredness become self-perpetuating.
Unfortunately, too much of what I’ve written here makes this hunt for peace of mind sound like a goal or destination. The truth is it is a process or journey. It is something you have to deliberately embrace every morning and the distance you are towards where you want to be is much less important than your commitment to living each day in a mindful way.
But hell yes it can happen.
Thank you SeeSmith. I really wish I could reply to the entirety of your comment but I can’t. You’d make a great life coach.
No need to reply. Just be!
I tell you what. Wave a magic wand and make me (physically) 18 and I will devote my life to lifecoacheration.