I honestly wish I had it in me to kill myself. I’ve been chronically depressed since I was 11 and I’m 22 now. They say it gets better but I’ve still been waiting for the moment that I feel inner peace and happiness. They say life is too short and how beautiful it is but to me life drags on and it’s far from beautiful. I did attempt suicide once but it was half assed and I ended up getting mildly high. I drank a whole bottle of Benadryl because I figured I would just fall asleep. I was so wrong. I ended up staying awake with the feeling of my skin crawling. I’ve realized there is no easy way to kill youself. All methods are painful and I have a low pain tolerance so I’m stuck living life. I’m just waiting to die. I have no purpose in life. I’m just aimlessly floating around. I would be a drug addict if it weren’t for my job and school. I love getting high. It’s a great feeling. I wish I could move as far away as possible from my hometown and start a new life where no one knew me. I hate running into people and them seeing how much of a loser I am and how fat I’ve gotten. I love my family too much though. Especially my mom. She would be heartbroken if I moved far away but I feel a strong desire to get away from everything. Mental illness sucks and it is unfortunately an inherent part of me that will always be there. They say you learn to cope better but I live with it and just go with the motions. I’ve been to therapy and on medication so many times and I never remain stable and happy. I sometimes wonder if I have a personality disorder because I can’t seem to figure out what is wrong with me and there seems to be more to my depression. I don’t think I’m bipolar but I have no control over my emotions. They control me and I’m never in control of my life. My moods are never stable.
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“All methods are painful and I have a low pain tolerance so I’m stuck living life.”
Yes, this is the way I generally feel too.
I live with enough pain just from the health issues I have; I can barely stand that.
It would be so wonderful just to stop hurting.
And although I realize death would accomplish that, I also realize that- like you said- death involves pain and suffering too, and it’s a leap I’m usually afraid to take.
The ironic result is that both life and death feel like enemies.
I’ve been having panic attacks every time I wake up and realize what my life is. I have no, and I mean none, ways to cope. I’ve been cutting out things I used to use to feel better, getting high, getting drunk, binge eating and bulimia, working on a farm raising sheep, training dogs, even drinking coffee because I have a new health condition. Maybe I should be happy for some progress. I don’t know if it is progress though because I’m still obsessive. Now I sleep endlessly and don’t go anywhere except to therapy sessions.
Yes, I relate to the wish to die. Really, though, I want a better life. What I want though is some sort of relationship with people that is unrealistic. I guess that is the point behind Shakespeare – life really is pretty painful. Moving around – moving anywhere helps.
Ah, Shakespeare. Yes.
A wretched soul bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much, or more, we should ourselves complain.
— — — Comedy of Errors (Act 2, Scene 1)
Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.
— — — The Tempest (Act 1 Scene 2)