Blackhole

Ever since i was a boy when my parents broke up. I felt somehow I was responsible for everything that happened.. Why would i blame myself? Simple because they broke up during my 10th Birthday.

When i was in high school I was doing great, not because i already forgave myself from what happened, because somehow my brain block all my childhood memories. I can’t remember a thing except for my memories with my bestfriend/cousin and the Uncle that serves as my father. Unfortunately, they passed away.

A daylight was introduced to me. She was my high school sweetheart. For a moment I thought everything will be okay. She was the reason why i woke up everyday. She thought me how to appreciate life, how to love my family, how to be happy. We dated for almost 7 years.

Last year, i broke up with her. I need to go abroad in order for me to support my Mom. Somehow i knew i was going to regret this decision but i keep on telling myself that “My Mom can sacrifice so much, why can’t I?”.

I guess i was always suffering from depression but now it’s worst that ever. Yes, i have friends, family but I can’t talk to them because they always have this look (poor you look). The last thing i want is pity from people. I tried everything to make myself happy (drink my ass off, smoke pot, etc) but nothing works. Sure it helps me forget about it temporarily. But isn’t that the problem? Everything is temporary except death. Every now and then i always wonder how should i kill myself. Every Time i try to do it I always chicken out. I don’t know how should I continue with this life of mine and maybe too scared to fine out.