Despite already having a post typed out for today, I’ve decided to change it and write this instead. Because I just realised several minutes ago just how little my mum cares.
I’ve been an emotional mess all day for no apparent reason, so I refused to step foot outside my room until 3 in the afternoon. Before that, no one bothered to come into my room to check on me. But we’re ignoring all that as I’m fast forwarding to not too long ago.
Recently, there has been a girl coming in my room at night. Her name is Bree, and she’s around my age. Every night (as well as the voices and demons) she has been here. She kind of like Jeremy, but not as friendly. She’s more horrible. I’m going off my whole point here, oops.
Tonight she told me to cut myself, but I kept refusing as I have done the last 2 or 3 nights. Long story short – she screamed for 2 hours before I gave in. So I had an arm covered in blood to the point where skin wasn’t visible (I’m talking in past tense when I’m still bleeding, oh well). I’d finished cutting when my stepdad came upstairs, so I had to cover my light and stay still. Then my mum came out her room and I had to stay still even longer.
Eventually, they both left and went to bed and I uncovered my light. As I was about to clean myself up, one of my dogs pushed my door open. Followed quickly by my mum. By now my light was directly on my arm, making this mess of a limb entirely visible to her.
And my mum just stands there, glancing between my face and my arm, before shutting the door and going to bed.
I don’t care about the fact that she didn’t become sympathetic and ask why I did it (like usual). No. I’m upset about how she didn’t care enough to see if I’m okay. I’m pissed off that she didn’t bother to do anything. She just left and is sound asleep now. I knew she didn’t care about me, but she could at least not be so upfront about it.
Now that I think about it, I think the main reason I haven’t bothered to clean up my arm is because I’m probably going to do it again. And maybe I’ll just let myself bleed out a bit more. Just so I get weaker. And then I can just take that shitload of pills I’ve been stashing and building up for months, just to see what happens this time. I’m in one of those moods where I’m feeling self destructive , yet everything is hilarious. Funny self destruction.
15 comments
Have you ever tried visualizing your room and yourself surrounded in white light? Imagine that no one and nothing (including voices) can pass through and that you are safe. I wonder if that would help keep away this Bree girl.
I actually did that a few times a while. An old friend of mine suggested I try it, but it didn’t do anything every time I tried.
This is a good idea.
Pure White Light.
See it as strong and protective and cleansing.
Aww, I’m sorry to hear it didn’t help when you tried it. 🙁
Btw, if you feel so horrible right now you should call an ambulance, or ask a family member to call for you
I can’t call because of my anxiety, and none of my family would call for me.
That sucks, can you force yourself to call? I’ve been anxious about making phone calls many times, but as long as you can articulate yourself no one cares if you sound nervous, and if you call an ambulance the operator will just be concerned about helping you.
I can barely get out two words on the phone – I can’t even talk to my mum. I have went to call them once, but I couldn’t bring myself to even hit the call button. My anxiety is awful, it’s one of the reasons I’ve been in therapy for 5 years.
I’m sorry about that. 🙁
Are you religious? I’m not personally, but I did find that putting salt outside my room and spraying ‘holy water’ in the room, which had both been blessed by a priest (I got it from family members who were religious) helped to keep away some nightmares. I don’t see anything while awake, but I have many times while in a state of sleep paralysis. This makes me wonder if these beings are around us all the time and I only see them while half asleep, or if it’s just a creation of my mind… I don’t know. I do think though that somehow you need to put up boundaries around your room so that nothing can come in that isn’t positive. Kind of like the story of how vampires can’t enter your threshold unless they were invited.
I am, yes. Though, I haven’t been to church in so long it’s shameful. I’d try that, but I’d have to do the entire house since I see things everywhere (I see things whenever I’m out, but I doubt I could go around with a cup of holy water). Plus, my stepdad is very anti-religion – as he calls it. So he wouldn’t be too impressed if I did this in his house. I think he just about tolerates the fact that I’m atheist – he only found out the beginning of this year as I was worried about telling him.
The holy water would work at home since it just evaporates. You don’t have to mention it to anyone if you don’t want to. I mean, I don’t know if it would help you not see things, but it might possibly make you feel safer in the house. I think it’s a worth a try anyway.
>I just realised i wrote atheist, oops. I meant a theist*
I never feel safe in my house, if I’m honest. Even when I don’t see things. But I’ll try it anyway.
I didn’t read ur post cuz its too long but I hope u have a sweet time okay tyty 😀 tytytyty <3
Jiminy, my dad is anti-religious too, and when he found out that I am religious, he couldn’t have been more hostile about it. So I know where your coming from on that front. But y’know what? Who cares what people like him think, your stepdad included. If you think holy water or anything similar will help you, then use it. Because your well being is worth so much more than his opinion.
I’ll be thinking of you. Praying, too. Hope things work out.