I’ve been in severe depression for so long now , that I cannot even remember what I was like before it. The human inside me has just died.I feel like I’m living in an empty shell. I’ve been fighting and fighting the pain. Every day feels like hell. I see a rope , I wanna hang myself , I see a knife , I wanna stab myself , I see a train , I wanna jump.I see a rooftop , I wanna drop down.
I love my parents and I’ve been living for them for the last 3 years . I cry every night , I feel miserable. My body aches , my head blasts , it feels like someone is just hammering my brain constantly . I barely sleep , I can’t eat . Every second feels like a living hell. I just try to stay around false people , just because I don’t know what I’ll do to myself if I’m alone.
I cut myself with a blade/knife when my sufferings become unbearable , just so that the physical pain temporarily overpowers the mental pain and I can live in peace , at least for a short while.
I cannot talk to my parents , because seeing them smiling is what gives me the strength to live every day. If I see them broken , I’ll just break. I’ve been so alone, so lost.
I am so alone. I needed help so badly, someone who could hold my hand and make things right, someone who can hug me , someone who can just give me hope , hope to fight , hope to live on.Someone who can bring some optimism in my otherwise miserable life. I do not want to die , but it looks like the only way to end this suffering. I’ve never ever had the warmth of human friendship my entire life. It’s always been so cold and dark.
7 years ago, I had a huge huge embarrassment in school. Every single student from my school teased me regarding it every single day. The worst part was, wherever I went, be it tutions or coaching, there was someone or the other from my school there who told everyone about it and the misery would not end. This went on for 4 years, from my 9th grade to until before joining college. I was strong at first but after a year, I completely broke. My depression had started. There are still people in my college who know, and I still feel scared they might tell everyone and my misery may increase. About 6 months after the incident, I found out that my best friend had a major role in it. I’ve never been able to trust anyone since then. I’ve been an emotional fool since I was a kid. I always trust and love people and all i get in return is hurt.
The first time I opened up to someone regarding my state was 2 weeks back ,and after a week she just left me to die. She told me I’m doing this to just get attention and I’m a very selfish person. She told me all I can think about is myself and my problems. Somehow her words keep ringing in my head. Every time I see her , I feel worthless , useless . I’m lost in the darkness. When I open my eyes , all I feel around me is vacuum. When she talked to me it felt so good. It was the only time I ever felt I could get out of this , and she just threw me back in the blackness of my mind. Unfortunately this girl is in my class and I am forced to see her everyday. If I ever even if I heal a little , I feel like I’m wounded ten times more than before when I see her.
After this episode of ours she blocked me. Every time the phone rings, I wish it’s her. Everytime I get a message, I wish it’s her. I should have never told her about my life, she would have never left me. She gave me hope to live and now she’s gone. Is this love? I don’t really know. I know for sure that I’m not sexually attracted to her. I was a long time back, not anymore.
Picking up the phone and not calling her is a huge huge exercise. The fact that she told her parents about me helps in not calling her. I just want to hear her voice one time before I die. I don’t want her pity. I wish that I could talk to her once before I go. A talk where she looks at me like a friend, like I’m human and not some sort of monsterous animal that she is forced to talk to. But then, that may give me the hope I need and I may not kill myself at all !
I could beg her to talk to me. I’m so pathetic that I’ve even considered that. But in the end that’s gonna do me no good. This needs to come from her without any external stimulus. Only then will I be able to trust that she’s gonna be there for me and I have support and I’ll be able to fight and get out of this. Well, all I can do is hope. I never wanted to die, I just wanted to be saved. The hardest part is looking at her and pretending I don’t care when she is all I can think about lately.
These days, I’m scared of going home , because I am unable to put on a fake happy mask anymore. I just cannot. I try to stay out as long as possible to just avoid talking to my parents. Whenever I’m alone, keeping myself alive is such a herculian task. This Sunday, I was alone at home. I had to make 3 cuts with a knife to stop myself from jumping off the window.
I used to talk to and hug my pillow and pretend he is a friend just to keep myself alive , but I just cannot anymore. I just cannot live in this misery. All I want to do is end this suffering. I’d give up anything for one happy day in my life. One day without the hammering in my head , One day without the darkness , One day without the void.
I’ve tried to take my life several times before, choke myself, drink phenyl, holding my breath(It’s very very hard) .. It’s failed every time.
So here’s my final plan for liberation. Next week on Tuesday, I have this exam that is gonna go horribly. That is gonna give me the final push I need to end my life. I live in a place where thousands of people die every year by falling from a train, I’ll just pretend the same happened to me. Everyone thinks it’s an accident, and I don’t feel guilty for doing this to my parents. Knowing that my suffering is going to end in 5 more days, gives me an immense sense of relief.
So this is how pathetic and horrible I am.
If you read till the bottom, you’re an amazing person!
10 comments
I feel for you. Death can be sweet yes. You seem to have passed through a lot.
Anyway, the train thing is not a solution. It’s a horrible death. And you say that every moment feels like a living hell. I agree. But death doesn’t guarantee that it puts an end to your misery. We know nothing about death. You should wait 3 months or so and if nothing changes you can proceed to your plan. This is all I can say.
Yes , no one knows about death. Chances are , it’s bad . But can it be worse than what I’m living through ? I really don’t think so. I’ve lost the last shred of self respect left in me. after she left me , I lost the last faint spark of hope that was in my heart.
It’s just not me anymore . It feels like my soul has already died long back . I’ve been trying and trying to live hoping it would get better but it’s been almost 5 years now and things haven’t changed much. Yes , at least I do not have to deal with the daily trauma of the teasing everyday since the last 2 years , but still , I have no one , no friends.
When people need me they call and text , but when they don’t no one even bothers to reply to me.
I wish I could have a normal life , talking and chilling with friends, going out for movies and trips etc. That would maybe help me get better.
Even if I manage to bear the sufferings for the next 3 months , the chances of me getting better are very very bleak. , but the chances of it getting worse are much much more.
I see her , laughing and smiling every day when I’m burning and dying from the inside . And that fuels the fire inside me even more. She looks at me as though I’m some animal with pity in her eyes , that makes me feel so bad. She looks at me as though I’m not human and all she has to say is “Go get some help” . Guess what , that’s why I told you about my state.
Maybe I could manage 3 months , but how can I when I have to see her everyday ? It just makes me feel disgusting and horrible.I must have committed some horrible crimes to have deserved such a life. May no one else have to go through what I’ve gone.
Maybe something nice happens to me before Tuesday , I may postpone , I’ll keep you updated. Thanks for listening .
Whatever I need to do needs to be done before May . Because my college fee is due then and if my dad pays it and then I kill myself , it will be horrible . So I either die now or after I complete my studies. I do not want to waste my dad’s hard earned money. And I honestly don’t think I can manage a year.
Sorry to hear u feel that way we here if I want to talk
I thank you a lot for being there. I’ll keep you updated regarding my life
Hey you have amazing parents that seem like have been there so far trough everything . Not everybody can say. That so that’s a bonus. And maybe because you think you don have anybody right now you have your parents. They love you. And I’m not saying you are only thinking of yourself because your not its up to you to do all you want. But your parents love you and they been there for you! And they will blame themselves if something happens to you. They will think of ways to blame themselves for your death. And the people in school I don’t know what happened because you didn’t say but they only feed on weak and showed them that you where weak in their head because they had something to laugh at and eat someone else’s pain. Something you shouldn’t gave gone through. They are just the fools on the end hun. And the gurl who you finally trusted she pushed you away because yes she thinks you only think of yourself but this isn’t an excuse but maybe she doesn’t know how to indulge in your pain. And what you been through. But either way shes a waste of your time and caring If shes just going to throw u away like garbage ~Stay Strong? ~ Love the Mad Hatter
Yes I do Have amazing parents. But I cannot put them through this. I love them a lot and I beliive I’m really gifted to have such an amazing set of parents.
I’ve lost the last shred of self respect left in me. after she left me , I lost the last faint spark of hope that was in my heart.
It’s just not me anymore . It feels like my soul has already died long back . I’ve been trying and trying to live hoping it would get better but it’s been almost 5 years now and things haven’t changed much. Yes , at least I do not have to deal with the daily trauma of the teasing everyday since the last 2 years , but still , I have no one , no friends.
When people need me they call and text , but when they don’t no one even bothers to reply to me.
I wish I could have a normal life , talking and chilling with friends, going out for movies and trips etc. That would maybe help me get better.
Even if I manage to bear the sufferings , the chances of me getting better are very very bleak. , but the chances of it getting worse are much much more.
I see her , laughing and smiling every day when I’m burning and dying from the inside . And that fuels the fire inside me even more. She looks at me as though I’m some animal with pity in her eyes , that makes me feel so bad. She looks at me as though I’m not human and all she has to say is “Go get some help” . Guess what , that’s why I told you about my state.
Maybe I could manage, but how can I when I have to see her everyday ? It just makes me feel disgusting and horrible.I must have committed some horrible crimes to have deserved such a life. May no one else have to go through what I’ve gone.
Maybe something nice happens to me before Tuesday , I may postpone , I’ll keep you updated. Thanks for listening .
Whatever I need to do needs to be done before May . Because my college fee is due then and if my dad pays it and then I kill myself , it will be horrible . So I either die now or after I complete my studies. I do not want to waste my dad’s hard earned money. And I honestly don’t think I can manage a year.
@lostfighter100 Hey, I’m new here. I usually just read some posts and mind my business, but this really struck me. I’m going through something similar myself and it’s so hard everyday just to breathe. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now, no one deserves misery. Everyday I research new ways to die that won’t be so painful. I try to pray, but I just feel so hopeless. However, when I read your post it made me realize that I’m not alone. So maybe we can help each other? What do you think? I’m trying not to give up because deep down I know I don’t want to die, I just want to live better. I want to be free from depression, worry, insecurities and failures that I relive in my head everyday. If you don’t give up I won’t either.
Hey @jaybee20
I feel for you . I hope your life gets better. We can certainly talk if you feel like sharing about it. This was my first post here as well. I was feeling so weak , I just had to let it out. I’m trying to stay alive . I don’t know how long I can hold on , however , I’ll be there fighting with you as long as I’m alive. I’ll keep you updated. I thought I was alone , but reading your comment makes me feel much stronger. I’ll try my best not to give up
are both of you doing well? It’s an entire year since your comments. Are you ok? Is it really possible to heal? Is it possible to live and not feel those terrible feelings anymore?
I can’t believe you replied! Email me. My email is shortstuff472@gmail.com