Ranting Bullshit.

My counselor told me that I need to spend time with people, that I’m alone too much. So I’ve been trying to spend time with people, people at school, people at work. I’ve been planning stuff with buddies and spending a lot of time with people who I can call buddies. The problem is that I still don’t feel right. See, before this I was always down and depressed and alone, but when I wasn’t alone I would sometimes (rarely) talk about my pain to people who I kind of trust (I don’t trust very much or very often), and I would feel this connection with them. It’s like I’ve connected with them at a soul level, I would just feel like I could trust them and that they were there for me. It was a very real and very deep connection. Now that I’m spending a lot of time with people that I like at school I don’t feel that connection anymore. I’ve noticed that I act differently now, that I’m a sort of comedian, I make lots of jokes and entertain the people that I’m with. I’ve become a performer. No longer do I show people the real me, the one that’s in constant agony, I now put on a show. I do this with myself as well. I tell myself that I’m fine, that I’m doing OK, but I still feel empty and alone. I feel abandoned, I feel like it’s me against the world, like I’m the only one who’s always going to be on my team. A month ago I still thought that if I got low enough God would take pity on me and help me, I don’t think so anymore. Now I realize that God’s not helping me, I realize that I could kill myself and nobody would stop me, people CAN’T stop me and God WON’T stop me. Fuck God. I trusted him and he left me for dead. I turned to him and he wasn’t there. What a bunch of bullshit. I’ve stopped going to church. Feels good. Anyways, I really want to be able to feel that connection, but to do that I guess I gotta stop hiding from people, I gotta stop hiding the real me, my soul, I guess. And I guess I have to stop hiding from myself? But if I admit that I’m horribly broken then I’m going to be miserable. I can’t be miserable because it’s up to me to make myself happy, to fix myself, nobody else will do it for me. Maybe I’ll learn this over time… Or maybe I won’t. For now I guess I’ll just swallow the pain and put on the mask, maybe sometime later I can get the courage to gas myself… The problem is that I’m scared that God may be there and that when I die he’s going to send me to eternal torture. I wouldn’t put it past him, that sadistic fuck. I wish I could get a girlfriend, but I’m just too fucked up I guess. I get a crush on a girl, I take steps towards her, but then as soon as I get a feel that she might like me back, I immediately lose interest. I did this with a cute girl not too long ago and I think it hurt her. I’m just too scared I think. In my mind, having a girlfriend seems perfect: no more loneliness, she would be someone I could trust and connect with, she would be my all in all. But in real life, I’m afraid and I feel like girls are out to get me, like they just want to use me, like they don’t care about ME, they just want something from me, whether that’s money, my time or even sex. Yeah, even sex, that should be good for me, right? But I feel like she doesn’t want ME. I guess I just don’t feel good enough. That’s all I want though, someone to fill the emptiness, the horrible loneliness, the feeling of abandonment. I know where it comes from: my shitty childhood, but I don’t know how to fix it. I thought that’s what God was for, but he’s abandoned me as well and at this point, I don’t think I want him in my life, he hasn’t earned that right. He’s like a shitty father coming back home after years of being gone, fuck that, hit the road you bastard, you weren’t there when I needed you and now you show up? Fuck off! I don’t know, fuck it all. Thanks for reading this, if you did. If you didn’t, I don’t blame you because this is a long ass fucking post.

BTW: if you want a depressing song try Cold by FFDP, I really like that song…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3pOR0pozjI

Good night.