I fucked up. I made the one mistake so many people do, and if I could go back and stop myself–I would. What did I do you ask? I opened up to someone I, at the time, trusted. I showed them a glimpse of my darkness and they spat it back in my face.
It was an accident, but accidents can still hurt.
Last weekend, at a Frat Party, my friend got drunk–not unusual for her mind you. But this time she decided to pull a mutual friend aside and tell her about me and my fucked up head. She told her about everything–my diagnosis of anxiety and depression. My parents divorce. She told her that I have a major eating disorder and cut myself so bad that I’m constantly going to the hospital (I don’t have an ED and I have never been to the hospital for anything other than a broken bone years ago). She told the friend that I am actively trying to kill myself (I’m not) and that I am a horrible person for having a chemical imbalance in my brain causing me to struggle to feel happy. THEN, she had the nerve to look me in the face, lie to me and tell me that she didn’t say anything. When confronted with proof she told me that this was all my fault and that she didn’t overly care. WORST PART? More mutual friends overheard this conversation, but I don’t know WHICH friends they were.
Wanna know the worst part? I can’t even be mad at her, because she was right. THIS WAS MY FAULT. I shouldn’t have opened up to her (hard NOT to when she pushes and figures it out).
It’ll be hard but I have learnt my lesson. I will do what I can to NEVER open up to someone (physically) in my life again.
Lesson Learnt: don’t let people in. If that means pushing them away–well, better than the alternative.
3 comments
If I try to look at this through your friend’s perspective, this is what I would say: she got scared about what you told her and felt she had to let it out to someone. Maybe she’s heard bad stories about cutters from other people, maybe she had depressed family members she didn’t tell you about, perhaps she heard about others committing suicide… or maybe she secretly has had suicidal thoughts. Whatever it was, your words triggered her enough to the point that she felt like she had to reach out to somebody about it so that SHE could feel a little more normal. She lied probably because she was embarrassed and didn’t want to upset you, but when you showed that you knew anyway, she decided to blame you.
You didn’t make a mistake in opening up to someone, but perhaps you did make a mistake in WHO you opened up to. She just wasn’t ready to hear about your pain.
With a friend like that you don’t need enemies. You have to be really, really careful who you open up to. There are kind and compassionate people out there who you can open up to safely. It is difficult to determine who is safe and who is not. Your friend is a witch, better stay away from her. Seek out more positive people. Lastly, this was not your fault!
Did I forget to mention that that friend is also one of my roommates…..opps. Can’t stay away from her but I definitely won’t be talking to her about this stuff, or anything important for that matter.
I feel like it IS my fault….any reason why I shouldn’t…?