whiskered-fish, OK i got an idea let’s go to Hollywood! we can try out for that show the walking dead!!! we won’t even have to act!!! they will hire us on the spot! were perfect!! 🙂 cheer up.
Huh. Funny, what you said. I said almost the exact same thing yesterday, on my last post. Someone told me that I shouldn’t have been born. I was taken aback at first, but it made more and more sense the longer I thought on it.
I use too much air. So this morning, I choked the shit out of myself. Then, guilt. What right have I to deny my sister her razor? I’m just as bad.
Heh. I guess great minds think alike. Or in this case… suicidal minds?
No one I know is currently suicidal or self-harming, or if they are, they’re keeping it very well hidden. I’m sorry your sister is and I think it’s kind of you to try to help her. I imagine it would be really difficult to know how best to do so when you are concerned as a family member but understand her desire to hurt herself.
Great minds do tend to be suicidal. Or at the very least, depressed.
Thanks. It is hard. I don’t suspect that she’s suicidal exactly, but she isn’t in good shape. The first time I saw her scars, I felt my stomach drop into my shoes. I cried and cried. Why her? Why my sister? She doesn’t deserve this.
Yesterday, her girlfriend broke up with her. She tried to play it cool, but I had the feeling she’d run straight to the razor. So when she wasn’t paying any attention, I snuck up into her room, searched for them high and low, and stole every one of them. Even unscrewed the one out of her pencil sharpener. Just in case.
I am even now torn between feeling like shit, and feeling like I did the right thing.
I’m such a hypocrite. I know how devastated and lost I felt after my grandmother unwittingly stole my chain. Gave it to the neighbor’s dog for a collar. I was a mess after that. But at the same time, that’s when I stopped for quite a while. I hope she stops, too. At least for a little while.
Well, according to a brief google search, neurons die anyway and there’s a method in place to grow new ones, and I imagine it’s in pretty good shape in us young and spry, especially since our brains aren’t done growing anyway (we have until 25ish, I believe).
Please don’t feel bad about killing off a brain cell or two (although I’m not recommending that you make a habit of choking yourself).
That’s comforting. I can’t be bothered to dig into that, so I’ll just trust you.
Already is a habit. A little over a year, maybe? Actually it might’ve been two. Can’t really remember. Early days, I just used my hand. Gently. Never squeezed hard. Just enough to feel my pulse, and feel a little control. When I needed my head to get quiet. Then it escalated, as these things tend to do. I stopped for a little while, but I’m not good at throwing off habits.
I started because I wanted the punishment and pain without any of the scars or marks that are associated with most self harm. It was the perfect fit. At worst, I got some bruises, and a bit of residual dizziness. Both easy to mask.
I started scratching and later cutting for punishment and pain as well. It balances my conscience. I sort of like the physical reminder when it’s just me looking at my scars, but I always have to hide them, which is annoying. At least I had the foresight not to cut in places where I’d always have to wear long sleeves, because I sweat like a stuck pig. I learned quickly that I never had to try very hard to mask the scars anyway, though, because interestingly enough, the only people who will notice and point out the signs are the people whose lives my cutting wouldn’t impact in the slightest. And they accept my shoddy excuses since they never cared to begin with.
That’s really interesting, what you said about it balancing your conscience. I can relate.
Anyway. I’m sorry to hear that most of the people around you are uncaring. But, at the same time, it’s good that not too many people notice, else you could get in some sort of potentially serious trouble.
Thanks, kamidaka. You have such a big heart for wanting to help me. But your own problems are so much bigger and more important than mine. You have enough to worry about, so please don’t worry about me. But thank you so much.
Well, the dead provide organs for transplant, and bodies for autopsies to keep pathologists employed. Not sure where I am going with this but I think the point that I was trying to make is that everyone is in some way useful, including you Kat. Although you are already way more useful alive than dead just by contributing to helping others on SP.
Also when you become a vet you can help all animals, the dead only help the earthworms.
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18 comments
whiskered-fish, OK i got an idea let’s go to Hollywood! we can try out for that show the walking dead!!! we won’t even have to act!!! they will hire us on the spot! were perfect!! 🙂 cheer up.
That’s filmed in Georgia. I couldn’t take that heat. Virginia’s bad enough. Good show, though.
And I’ll cheer up when I stop being powerless to everyone dying around me.
I wish I had something good to say.
But me too. At least if I’m dead I won’t waste food, oxygen and other precious resources.
It’s okay. I never have useful things to say.
Huh. Funny, what you said. I said almost the exact same thing yesterday, on my last post. Someone told me that I shouldn’t have been born. I was taken aback at first, but it made more and more sense the longer I thought on it.
I use too much air. So this morning, I choked the shit out of myself. Then, guilt. What right have I to deny my sister her razor? I’m just as bad.
Heh. I guess great minds think alike. Or in this case… suicidal minds?
No one I know is currently suicidal or self-harming, or if they are, they’re keeping it very well hidden. I’m sorry your sister is and I think it’s kind of you to try to help her. I imagine it would be really difficult to know how best to do so when you are concerned as a family member but understand her desire to hurt herself.
Great minds do tend to be suicidal. Or at the very least, depressed.
Thanks. It is hard. I don’t suspect that she’s suicidal exactly, but she isn’t in good shape. The first time I saw her scars, I felt my stomach drop into my shoes. I cried and cried. Why her? Why my sister? She doesn’t deserve this.
Yesterday, her girlfriend broke up with her. She tried to play it cool, but I had the feeling she’d run straight to the razor. So when she wasn’t paying any attention, I snuck up into her room, searched for them high and low, and stole every one of them. Even unscrewed the one out of her pencil sharpener. Just in case.
I am even now torn between feeling like shit, and feeling like I did the right thing.
I’m such a hypocrite. I know how devastated and lost I felt after my grandmother unwittingly stole my chain. Gave it to the neighbor’s dog for a collar. I was a mess after that. But at the same time, that’s when I stopped for quite a while. I hope she stops, too. At least for a little while.
I admire you for trying to help. I hope she can stop too.
Not to mention, I’m ruining my future by starving my brain of oxygen. Killing cells that don’t regenerate. Letting everyone who believes in me down.
Well, according to a brief google search, neurons die anyway and there’s a method in place to grow new ones, and I imagine it’s in pretty good shape in us young and spry, especially since our brains aren’t done growing anyway (we have until 25ish, I believe).
Please don’t feel bad about killing off a brain cell or two (although I’m not recommending that you make a habit of choking yourself).
That’s comforting. I can’t be bothered to dig into that, so I’ll just trust you.
Already is a habit. A little over a year, maybe? Actually it might’ve been two. Can’t really remember. Early days, I just used my hand. Gently. Never squeezed hard. Just enough to feel my pulse, and feel a little control. When I needed my head to get quiet. Then it escalated, as these things tend to do. I stopped for a little while, but I’m not good at throwing off habits.
I started because I wanted the punishment and pain without any of the scars or marks that are associated with most self harm. It was the perfect fit. At worst, I got some bruises, and a bit of residual dizziness. Both easy to mask.
I started scratching and later cutting for punishment and pain as well. It balances my conscience. I sort of like the physical reminder when it’s just me looking at my scars, but I always have to hide them, which is annoying. At least I had the foresight not to cut in places where I’d always have to wear long sleeves, because I sweat like a stuck pig. I learned quickly that I never had to try very hard to mask the scars anyway, though, because interestingly enough, the only people who will notice and point out the signs are the people whose lives my cutting wouldn’t impact in the slightest. And they accept my shoddy excuses since they never cared to begin with.
That’s really interesting, what you said about it balancing your conscience. I can relate.
Anyway. I’m sorry to hear that most of the people around you are uncaring. But, at the same time, it’s good that not too many people notice, else you could get in some sort of potentially serious trouble.
Hey whiskey-fish:
Have you ever seen the movie Beetlejuice?? You would enjoy it!! It is a comedy, but the theme revolves around death. Check it out.
I’ve seen it once, but I can’t remember it.
I do distinctly remember seeing an undead chick with slashed wrists, though. One of the only times I ever found a suicide joke to be pretty funny.
Hi, I guess a little talk wouldn’t mind so? 🙂
Thanks, kamidaka. You have such a big heart for wanting to help me. But your own problems are so much bigger and more important than mine. You have enough to worry about, so please don’t worry about me. But thank you so much.
Oh no, no. I like to help people no matter what. Please feel free to talk whenever you need it c:
Well, the dead provide organs for transplant, and bodies for autopsies to keep pathologists employed. Not sure where I am going with this but I think the point that I was trying to make is that everyone is in some way useful, including you Kat. Although you are already way more useful alive than dead just by contributing to helping others on SP.
Also when you become a vet you can help all animals, the dead only help the earthworms.