Life is meaningless.

I’m kind of new here, so I hope I don’t screw anything up, haha.

Of all of the people I have met in my life, I feel like I am pretty much the worst of them all. Even though I do have friends and family to assure me that I am not as bad as what I make myself to be, my negative traits heavily outweigh the positive ones.

I’ve screwed up more than one time. I failed high school, I am unemployed, I’m diagnosed with autism, I have no success in relationships, I lost my temper towards the public too many times, I have an irrational fear of babies (laugh all you want, but this really is a fear of mine), I am insensitive about certain things when I know I should care and I have made far more enemies than friends because of how much I lose my temper. Now all I do these days is do nothing but browse the Internet or play stupid video games.

Not only that, but I also been through tonnes of bullying in my life. The main reason why I failed high school was because I wasn’t smart enough to be there, but another reason was that people made fun of me for how unintelligent and short-tempered I am. This bullying has went on for 3 years before I left high school in 2014, but it has left so much of an impact on me to the point where I hate going out and I would usually whisper to myself some of the stuff the bullies said to enable me.

I also used to have a really close friend that I knew from my childhood, but she decided one day to backstab me by writing up a nasty letter about me in public more than once. She tried to apologise many years later, but as soon as I apologised, she then goes on to delete both my own and my mother’s most personal stuff on our computers. Many of the friends I’ve had were either there just because they felt sorry for me or that they had to leave me because of school/college/work/etc..

Maybe bullying and failing on certain things isn’t as bad as what other people been through, but words cannot describe the amount of pain I’ve been through in my life.

I really don’t much see point in living anymore. As time went on, I only became more and more cynical about the world. Far too many people think that suicide is bad, but what they don’t realise is that every living thing will die eventually. And even if I don’t commit suicide, I’ll still die from old age regardless, so it’s probably best to kill myself now than never. At least when I’m dead, I will not know that my friends and family will be distraught about this. Not only do I tell myself to go get killed daily, but I’ve also been looking at suicide methods more and more. I’ve started to look at them at the beginning of the year.

In a way however, I want to commit suicide out of anger more than out of depression. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I am a very short-tempered person and when I screw up on anything, I would tell myself  that I’m a stupid person. Being angry is kind of what motivates me the most, come to think of it. I want to feel angry all the time, but of course, anger isn’t generally allowed in the public. Another reason why I bring up all of this is because I don’t really know if I’m really diagnosed with depression. I’m hoping to meet up with a doctor and see if I’m diagnosed with anything else, however.

Sorry if anything I said confused you. If you want to say your thoughts about this, don’t hesitate to leave a reply.