Yeah I am alive but I feel like I really don’t have a real life. I also have all these issues in life that prevent me from moving forward to acquire the life that I truly want. I have health issues that prevent me from being more productive and also prevent me from doing a lot of fun things that I want to do. I often feel like I really don’t have much to live for anymore. Its like I am holding on to nothing. Like holding on to a life that has very little chance to get better and I am not happy with the way things currently are. I have problems with mobility. Cant walk …unless I use two canes… I have stomach issues. I have a neck that is all messed up from a car accident. Yes it is getting better but I will never be the same. I have a hard time maintaining employment because of my health and disability issues. I have other issues in life and I just feel like I truly don’t belong in this world anymore.
I have had a few suicide attempts in the past and of course my family was really upset about it. But I have come to realize for myself… that i cant just stay alive for other people. I mean > Yes my family would be hurt if I died… but I am hurt by staying alive… day after day suffering in my own ways > and I am alone in my suffering and have nobody that loves me. Nobody who understands or even cares. Its useless.
So I am not going to just hang onto a life that truly sucks just so my family doesn’t get hurt by my death. We are all going to die anyway. Why should I hang onto a life that sucks for another 30 years then die? Why not just get the misery over now and do it? Suicide makes a lot of sense to me. It really does. I know the whole society thing has stated that suicide is the tragic thing and we should all be out to preserve life at all costs… so we have doctors and therapists and the laws of the land rigged up to try and prevent suicide. But I think differently. YES, I do believe that most people who are suicidal might just be experiencing some temporary pain and might need some help and if they get help and past their current temporary problems that they could go on to live and have a good life > so in cases like that Suicide prevention is a good thing. Yes it is.
But there are other people like me who have chronic painful disabilities and real life problems that set us in a place where we just never fit in. We can try and try and try to have a good life but it never really comes. I don’t believe in living just to suffer. I mean > yes…life at all levels has its challenges and difficult circumstances.. so YES, I don’t think its right to just throw in the towel over some miner issue(s).
But I do believe some people like me have just way to many unsolvable issues stacked up against us and that happiness is almost unobtainable. And not only is happiness unobtainable but there is just too much pain and trauma to deal with… and also being fully misunderstood. Nobody understands what I have been through or what I go through in daily life. I bet if most people had to live my life they would just kill themselves within a few months. It really can and does get that bad for some of us.. and I feel like the rest of the population who have more normal lives should just back off and let us do what we need to do so we can rest in peace.
Im looking to rest in peace someday.
I hope that day comes soon.
7 comments
would you still say the same if you were physically okay but had the same mental depression?
I think if I was physically OK, I wouldn’t have the depression and wouldn’t be suicidal either.
All my issues stem from my physical problems > and then those problems spill over into other areas of my life. It sucks.
I’m with you all the way on this, PhantomCitizen. Only YOU truly know how much the scales tip in favour of an early exit….and yes, there’s only so far we can go with feeling obligated to stay here for other people…eventually, that alone idsn’t enough of a motivation to keep us here in the daily misery we enjure….although it is a very complex situation depending on those we’re leaving behind…like offspring that love us dearly, for example.
Your plight sounds extreme….a heavy millstone around your neck, PhantomCitizen. It’s so incredibly sad that our only comfort and relief comes in the form of knowing we’re more than probably going to end things ourselves when we still may have 30 plus years in us, something alot of others could never comprehend, but that doesn’t matter, they don’t need to because it doesn’t change anything, plus we won’t exist any longer.
A few might be able to live your way of life and say yeah, it’s enough to get by, and thats fine but it’s certainly nowhere near adequate for you long term.
Different strokes for different folks.
Thanks Escalado. I like what you have said here. Yeah, as I mentioned I do believe that some people who are suicidal are just experiencing some bad times and just probably need some help temporarily and after some temporary help they can get passed their issues and move on to a good life. But for others. I think there are “some people” with certain circumstances where their life is really trapped inside a dark tunnel and there is little hope or even no hope at all of ever recovering from it and having a good life. This is especially true about people who suffer from incurable diseases or disabilities that prevent them from having an active normal healthy happy life. SO I do in fact believe that suicide is a good option for certain people with certain circumstances. Me I Kind of waver. I have disability issues… but my issues have been improving and other things in my life have been improving so I guess there is a sliver of hope that I can turn things around for myself and have a decent life. But I have to tell you I have a LOT to deal with and a lot stacked up against me…. so I waver from being optimistic sometimes and then flip flopping over to a sad and depressed in the really painful times. So my life is like a roller coaster. Going from occasional highs and good times… and then dipping down to deep dark times… and I am just getting sick of having so many dark times..
Sometimes I just want the whole ride to just stop.
I can definitely relate to this post. I too have an illness that prevents me from really living. 2 years ago before i got sick i had a business and a girlfriend that i was with for over years. Once i got ill all of that went down the drain. Now i live with the sad fact that i cant have those things anymore aswell as the the fact that my illness leaves me with a real shabby quality of life. I feel like im alive but not living for anything. Just kinda existing because i exist.
I totally relate as I said on your other post, though my disabilities thus far are all mental and not physical. It is just impossible to envisage going into old age like this. I can hardly think of a worse torture. I am truly beyond hope, but you still have some, and I wish you all the best.
thank you for wishing me well. I wish you the best too. Yeah I have physical disabilities and also some mental and emotional issues as well.
I wish us both the best.
Best wishes.