My Last Post

It’s been about 2 years now since my last post. I decided to post again because the past few days have been gut wrenching and I have come back to SP and see so many new names and none of the old ones. I pray those that have helped me prolong my existence have found peace. And to all those out there like me, contemplating the end, I hope for your sake you have come to this conclusion only after much time debating and researching. Life can be amazing. Don’t just throw it all away so fast. At least look into things and come to your decision wholeheartedly.

I’ve decided how I will go and about where. I’ve done the research and math enough to know it will be quick and, I hope, almost painless. I am still not sure when. I wanted to make it to next month for a concert I’ve been wanting to go to for many, many years and never thought I would get a chance and I have a ticket and I can go. It’s the only good thing I’m looking forward to. I’m afraid I won’t make it. I feel now that I must end this existence very soon. I am a coward for not having done it already, after sitting on the thought for so long. On to why my gut has been wrenched…

My ex contacted me via email a couple days ago. I have been a mess since our split 3..4 years ago now..I don’t know. I’ve been dieing for validation that what we had didn’t only mean something to me, that it wasn’t a dream, that I actually meant something to someone who wasn’t obligated to feel so. I tried with every ounce of my being to speak with her again and be calm and caring and be a friend as I promised her forever and always. Too much time has gone by. And the wounds never healed, only festered and rotted. I am a vile shadow of the being I once was, the being she once loved.

I completely shut her out. I let emotions get the best of me. I told her I can not speak with her like this after having sent about 3 emails each back and forth. The last one, along with a lengthy unorganized letter, I said I can not keep this promise either (forever and always) and sent her a picture of me and told her to find me in the next life where we had our first night together. I am so stupid. I’ve waited and prayed and hoped she would one day remember me and try to contact me. And when she did, all those things I’ve been saving to say were lost to me.

I told her the truth of how much of a mess I’ve been since then, the truth of how much she hurt me. I got rude and nasty. I told her I probably won’t message her again. She doesn’t deserve that. Or maybe she did. It’s been so long and ill feelings have warped my memory. I am so bitter.

I hinted at my plan and said I hope she sees my underlying message but I could never tell her I want to off myself and a part of me strongly hopes never understands what I meant. She was the only one that ever gave me a chance. And I blew it. We blew it. The truth is I would jump at the chance to have her again in my arms. It would not be fair to her or myself though. I do not want to exist. And she will go on to do great things I know.

I’ve done good the past couple years to move on. I am not looking for anyone. I’ve become content with the idea of solitude. I hate everyone anyway. Especially anyone so blind and dulled my media and religion and society. I live this filthy, mundane existence for myself now and for myself only. And now I am dwelling on the painful past and memories again. She was the cause for my mentality now. Which isn’t just an introverted, depressed, suicidal nutcase.

I have understanding. I have enlightenment. I have truth. I thank her for that. Before I go through with it I have considered sending her my username here and just letting her find all the things I’ve said under the alias and how I truly feel as I could never tell anyone personally. I don’t know if I could. I don’t think I will. Probably best to never have this surface to anyone that personally knew me. Especially while I am still alive. Especially to my family that would never understand.

Why didn’t I just end it 2 years ago after my first post here? Or any of the hundreds of days between? Was I meant to live to have this closure? If you can call it closure. All I did was beat around the bush and try to say good things. Or am I really just a coward. Afraid to live and terrified to die.

Inside I am screaming at myself, at her, at everyone. I don’t want to die. I never wanted to die. But I don’t want to exist like this. A miserable, disgusting thing that I am. A boring, average, painful life.

If you ever read this Brittany, I loved you unconditionally, I always have and I always will no matter what. Even if I am not man enough to say it to you now. Through the lies, through the hard times, through the distance and through these last years of not speaking. There has not been one day gone by you weren’t in my thoughts.

Time has not healed me. I know it has healed you. I am glad. I only hope if you ever discover what happened to me that you can understand and forgive me. I am not meant for this world. Only the strong survive. I am weak. And sensitive. I cared too much. This world is cold.
Your light was the greatest thing to ever grace my heart. I hope you have a wonderful life. I hope all your dreams come true.

I thank you for every moment we spent together. I wish I could have my best friend back more than you know, more than I told you. I truly meant forever and always. I hope you did too. Please find me in the next. Whatever it may be. I will always love you unconditionally.