I need help, I am falling apart and I just can’t take it anymore. I relapsed last night and have over 30 cuts, every night I go to sleep the feeling of insanity. Waking up with panic attacks and blaming myself for every thing. I hate myself so much and all I want to is die. That’s all I want and that’s my only 11:11 wish. If I was walking and a car was coming towards me I wouldn’t get out of the way. People think I’m okay, but I’m actually dying inside. All I am doing is pushing people away. I feel so fucking empty inside, put a gun to my head and pull the damn trigger already. My foster mom should’ve just continued to beat me till I finally died. I should’ve never been born. My bpd gets in the way of everything. I’m slowly falling apart, I have no one to pick my pieces up.
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Unfortunately, you’ll have to pick up your own pieces. We can’t expect others to do that for us. Maybe write a list with all the reasons why you hate yourself. Then, look at them and see which are just bullshit, and which you can “work on”. Also, sorry about your foster mom. That clearly didn’t help with the self-esteem issues. Your foster mom was, it seems, a wretched *****, and what she did doesn’t reflect on your “worth”. O and reach out for help. Take your time and find people that you’d be comfortable with.