It won’t go, incase you don’t know

I got tinnitus at age 30 in 2012 from listening to headphones too loudly for too long.. I was completely happy before I got it, but afterwards I have been completely depressed every day.. I will probably end up suiciding in few months or maybe few years.. I definitely can’t see living the rest of my life with ears this sensitive, always having to protect them.. It gets tiring..

Suicide is actually a fairly common result from people that develop tinnitus.. And none of your friends or family will really understand what it feels like to have it unless they have it too.. They just tell you “Why are you letting some little noise bother you that much?”.. But even if you habituate to it, you have to keep protecting your ears all the time so that they don’t get damaged further.. The more damaged your ears get, the easier it is to damage them further..

I really never wanted to live this life very long any way; I hate the idea of getting old.. I will be 35 fucking years old in couple more months.. And lots of other things in my life have failed.. I feel like my life has kind of “jumped the shark”, which means, it feels like my life was supposed to be over already but yet it is still continuing for some reason.. Japanese language has a word for that: “owakon”

Any way, not sure exactly when I am going to suicide, but yeah I am always interested in suicide or death things too.. Actually even when I was a teenager and very happy, I always found death interesting for some reason.. Now, since my life blows a huge dong, I am always secretly wishing I would randomly die some how, in car accident or some thing.. But so far, I am still alive.. ;| So, some time soon (few months or maybe few years from now depending on how my life goes) I will have to suicide my self.. Which is fine I guess, I am getting more tired of this life every day, and ready for next life..