I don’t have much incentive for a better life. I kind of just want to wait to die soon. You know let my self suffer. .. until something comes along and picks me up and subsides my death for a little bit longer, that’s what keeps happening. I don’t really feed my self other people do, I’d probably let my self starve but that takes so long that someone comes along and feeds me. Sometimes when I walk around I hope I get murdered. But then again maybe that’s just me thinking fucked up shit again. Maybe that’s not really me. But I doubt it. I should probably get on some anti depressant shit. That might fix my perspective, that’s what I need, not to change my course of action but to change my perspective first. Then maybe I’d want to do better
But for now that’s not what I want and I know it.
4 comments
As a tip, Anti depressants will help change your perspective but you need to be seeing a mental health professional when you do take them.
I’ve been in the place you describe for fifteen years. I was reckless and came close to dying several times. I have scars from those years and some will probably continue to cause me pain and suffering. Now I’m finally getting help and turning my life around; it isn’t easy but I’ve got nothing to loose.
Take care of your body and mind. Don’t get so reckless that you cause permanent damage you may regret later on. I hope your path leads you to brighter days.
Well it might be a little late not to be reckless. I’ve already fucked my body with scars, and fucked my brain with such seemingly fucked up thoughts, and the drugs as well. Like the heroin, it fucks my brain up all while leaving scars at the same time. But it still isn’t enough for me some how. I end up huffing spray paint and cutting my self in the bathroom while everyone is gone.
Damn, that sucks. Ecstasy was the drug I used the most and because of that my head and emotions are all messed up. I never thought about cutting but I certainly had strong desires to cause myself pain. Starving myself is my first choice.
I, myself, keep hoping for the universe to just take it out of my hands. People say that only cowards kill themselves, but none of those that have been where we are agree with that sentiment. Whether it is a decision that is a negative or a positive (as far as easing the suffering of the person), it still takes an incredible amount of courage (or guts) to actually go through with it. That is the only reason that I am still here; I guess that I just have not up to this point been able to exceed the minimum amount of guts to actually go through with it, so I keep putting it off. In the mean-time, I keep wishing that I would wake up and find myself in the hospital and diagnosed with something that was absolutely going to kill me, but be a few weeks or months off (cancer, mostly is the one that I think about). It might sound really screwed up, but the pain is not the concern for me (part of me thinks that I should suffer as much as possible before I finally succumb anyway). The reason that I would want the end to not come quickly is that way, I could actually give some closure to my family and friends, say goodbye and all that, in the same way that I could if I killed myself (because the timing would be known ahead of time).