I’ve been really trying to not jump into the mindset of wanting to die again but it just keeps eating me alive. I don’t know how many times I play in my head that I don’t wanna be here anymore. I think about how my life would be if something bad happened to me. I wonder who would be there to actually care. I also wonder why I don’t seem to have the courage to do it already. All I know is I’m being pushed to the edge again and I don’t want the help this time. I just want to sit here and play it out until i can’t take it anymore. Things would be so much better if I just wasn’t here to experience them. This shit is exhausting. I’m so fucking tired.