Long story short, I’m in a position where no one seems to really anticipate my existence.
I have friends. And I have a best friend too. My best friend used to talk to me a lot and she listened to every word I ever said, so I did the same to her. But now things seem to be different. It’s like whenever I try to bring something up, she’d interrupt, and goes on talking her own stuff. She used to clap and cheer me on whenever I talked about my passions and the goals I wanted to achieve. But now it’s like, she no longer wants to hear me talk anymore… she’d blab on about her things and whenever I tried to bring something up she just shrugs it off and goes on. And she still asks me why I don’t talk to her anymore. Then my temporary friends. They’re nice to me and everything, but it’s not like they’d ever wonder what goes on in my stupid mind. It’s not like they actually care about me, and it really won’t be any difference if I were gone.
I go to a magnet school and I’m passionate to become a musician sometime in my life. People say I’m smart and stuff, and I guess I kind of am. But they never want to know what ideas I have and stuff, so what’s even the point of intelligence and passion when no one even wants to listen to what you’ve got to say? Right?
Then there’s my parents. They want me to get the very best education possible for me. They had me join a sports program so that I can improve my physical health. But I feel like they really don’t have any idea what my mental health is like. I guess they’re just disappointed that I’m not the perfect straight-A student I once was. And that maybe they’re tired of knowing about all my other troubles.
It’s been almost a year since I last cut myself. That’s good, right? Well, I’m pulling my hair now and I don’t even know what I’d do next by the time I stop pulling my hair.
I wish that my parents will actually look through my phone and see what music I listen to and stuff so that they understand how I feel. But they don’t seem to give a crap about my feelings right now, because other things are more important to them than me.
I’m at a point where I don’t see much reason to live no matter how hard I look for at least one good reason. And if I ever disappear, somehow, maybe not with death but maybe flying to another universe or something, I don’t think anyone will ever notice me. If anyone really notices, they must be very relieved and a giant weight must lift off their backs.
Well, then, that’s it for now so bye or however this thing is supposed to end.
P.S.. Here are some songs that I’ve been listening to a lot.
10 comments
Hey. It sounds like you feel really misunderstood and like nobody cares about you or your existence anymore. That must be really painful, and I’m sorry you feel that way. It seems like our parents don’t care about the way we’re feeling and only push us to be successful, not understanding that good mental health is crucial for any kind of success. But we understand, and we’re on the same block.
You are passionate about music and becoming a musician, huh? That’s freaking awesome. I wish I had the guts to pursue a career in music. Sum41 is badass, and your taste in music must be equally as badass. I, too, use music as my escape. It helped me find myself. Lyrics run through my head almost constantly. They’re the only thing that keeps me sane. They make me feel less alone, like someone else in this world understands. I listen to Brand New, La Dispute, Real Friends, Nirvana, and anything in between. What other bands do you listen to?
If you wanna chat, my email is reason0823 at gmail dot com. Music is my biggest passion, and it sounds like we’do have a lot to chat about.
Fight off your demons.
Thank you VERY much, Reason. We seem to be on the same boat, and hey, I guess we’re not completely alone.
And yeah, Sum 41 is currently my favorite band along with Bryan Adams. Other than that there aren’t any specific artists that I listen to, but my favorite types of music are 80’s rock and stuff like pop punk. And yeah, we should chat. But I’m not sure in emailing is a good idea because my parents log on to it to see what I do and stuff and there are things that I’m not very comfortable about sharing with them.
Pop punk is awesome. I decided not to get tickets for Blink-182, All Time Low, and A Day to Remember. Biggest mistake. Lol. Might go to the Warped Tour next year. Do you have Line App or Twitter or anything like that?
Oh, the Don’t Call It A Sum Back tour was awesome for me, I saw the Sums (See what I did there haha) in Fort Lauderdale FL like last week. Deryck pointed at me and invited me to the stage but my dad didn’t let me but other than that it was lit and awesome. I also went to a Bryan Adams concert last year about a few weeks after my birthday and that was awesome too. I do have an Instagram, and it’s called thingsgetbetter._
I’ll get instagram and look you up sometime soon.
That sounds like a blast. I’d love to seem them sum day (hehe). I just saw Thrice and La Dispute in Pittsburgh a couple weekends ago. I got to crowd surf. Best night of my life. Lol. For 4 hours, I forgot about everything else in my life and just screamed my lungs out with a room full of people just like myself. Music is medicine for sure.
That’s awesome for you! I also play flute in my school band and I take piano lessons. Aside from that it’s all rock and punk.
btw, thank you for putting a real smile on my face for once in forever. You must have healed lots of souls.
I wish I played instruments, but there’s not a lot of opportunities where I live. I’ve been trying to teach myself guitar though. Flute and piano just seem so complicated. I always get jealous. Lol
No problem. Thank you for putting a smile on mine as well. 🙂 It isn’t often that I find people who share a similar taste in music. But us punk kids are awesome. :p
And to answer your question: yes. I will miss you.
Thank you.
I’m trying to teach myself guitar too, and I can kind of play Pieces… well kinda.
Flute and piano aren’t really complicated once you get the concept ahaha like for flute your hands pretty much stay in the same position 24/7 and for piano there really aren’t much just posture and then all you really need to do is know how to read music and for the instruments that I play the only type of music I need to know how to read are treble and bass clefs and I can read a little bit of guitar tabs. There are also tenor and some other types of keys and there’s also a really unique way of writing and reading music when it comes to stuff like drums and I have no idea how to read those unless I google search it and do like 10 days worth of research…
But yeah, kind people like you are very rare, especially this day in age. It’s like people are joking about stuff like suicide and drug abuse and are telling others to drink bleach and stuff like that. Thankfully, people like you still exist, only that they are VERY hard to find.
The first and the third songs really resonated with me. The whole “I’m better off on my own” line is exactly what I have come to the conclusion of in my recent experiences. I was planning to kill myself back in July-August, and I decided to tell my best friend about it. It was not an effort to get sympathy and it was not an effort to get help; I just thought that it would be easier for me to help him understand (and leave fewer unanswered questions when I was gone) if I just allowed him to ask anything that he wanted to know right to my face. This turned out to not really work. I guess that I should have expected him to strong-arm me into not doing it; he ended up guilting me into staying without actually giving any reason not to stay besides how horrible it would make him feel if I was gone and he knew beforehand but was unable to stop me. This forced us apart, because I just cannot fathom or stand to hear his consistent optimistic attitude when he cannot give me a reason for it being more logical than my pessimistic/suicidal view.
I just began grad school, at a highly ranked school, due to getting great grades as an undergraduate. But now I am performing poorly (to put things mildly) in all of my classes here, purely because my mental health simply is not up to the task of dealing with the requirements of my program. So, as for success, coming from someone who has the chance at a top-tier education but can’t handle it because of mental issues, your parents pushing for your educational/professional success should (they probably don’t, but they need to) realize that no amount of educational or professional success will matter (or perhaps even be possible) if you can’t be content with your state in life. I have a feeling that my family would be disappointed to see that my grades have fallen so far from my near-perfect marks as an undergrad, but there just doesn’t seem to be anything that they can do for me.
I assure you that if/when you decide to leave, it will scar many of those around you. I have not seen directly how suicides affect people, but I have attempted it multiple times in the past, and each time, it has affected more people than I ever imagined even knew that I existed. It is actually aggravating how people can feel so entitled after someone departs that they justify feeling personally robbed of time with that person, when they wouldn’t go out of their way to interact when the person was still alive. In that respect, many people who would mourn don’t have the right to, but they will mourn just the same.
I listen to just about everything, but my absolute favorite band at the moment is Eels. If you haven’t heard of them, I think that you should read up on the band and its main artist, and then listen to Electro Shock Blues. He lost his father fairly early on in life, then lost his sister to suicide, and then his mother to cancer just months later. Electro Shock Blues is his perspective on everything that happened around losing his mother and sister. It certainly is soul-crushingly depressing, but it actually is inspirational at the same time, because the songs highlight a perspective of trying to get through things, even when they are as tough as they were for him. I am not saying that it will help, but it is probably one of the most amazing albums that I have ever heard. After reading the book (or listening to the Audio CD of it) also written by the main artist in Eels, it gave me a lot of new perspective that was actually kind-of helpful to see.
Sorry for the long response, but I just had to give some detail about me after reading how similar you feel to me. If you would ever like to talk more, you can feel free to email me at sacrificial_shaun @ yahoo.com (without the spaces). I would hardly be the person to completely talk you out of bidding farewell to this world, because I am struggling with that decision myself, but it might be nice to hear someone else’s perspective in detail (if you are inclined). Either way, I hope that you find peace in one form or another; this world is extremely tiring on the best of days and situations.