Date of attempt: Friday, October 7, 2016
It’s not a matter of if life will knock you on your ass. It’s when.
“Life does hit you but the only thing that matters is having the strength to get up”.
Right, said by no one ever. . . .
I’ve been dabbling in risky behaviors since I was 16. It began with alcohol and weed, then I graduated to prescription pills from my mom and my diploma I received was overdosing and going on suicide watch. It’s now escalated to drinking whenever I feel lonely, (very often) and doing hardcore drugs. Ironically, the drugs have kept me alive and the suicidal tendencies at bay.
My family grew up poor in the San Francisco Bay Area on welfare, just enough for us to have a pot to piss in. My mother was an alcoholic and my father left before I was a teenager. I was also touched as a child, which brought me much distress during my adolescence and I’ve carried it over into my young adulthood. My mother died in 2012 and my father and siblings are estranged from me. I’ve been completely alone.
“Scars heal with time though, just give it time”.
Tell that to the people who have fixations with running razorblades against their wrists, ****. . . .
I no longer give two shits about conforming to any demands or expectations from society. I don’t even desire having girlfriends, or a career. Mainly because I feel like I’m not going to achieve these things in life. Despite this I continue living amongst those who are achieving this, which makes me feel so miserably incompetent. Even escaping the façade of “playing along” using drugs is becoming less effective than what death can offer me. I realize this now.
This revelation now leads me to the conclusion of this post: life and death are the chief components of existentialism. We can’t choose our lives, or what life hands us. We’re at the mercy of someone or something else’s will. The only thing we can choose is when, where and how we die. But there is no freedom in death compared to what life offers. But what if the freedom you’re seeking is from life itself? . . . .
12 comments
Xanax and Alcohol + Plastic Bag is better than hanging, OUCH!
I guarantee you that death is the answer to all your troubles, that is when you will be free of everything forever, death is a gift that mother nature has given us, perhaps the only thing she did right, but life is a gift as well like a a $20 bill, if you buy all candy with it your going to get sick, how you spend it is up to you, if all you enjoy is drugs and not doing anything to make your life better then death isn’t so bad, i myself was on that road at one time, i spent my $20 on women booze and drugs and just wasted the rest, but i save $1 and decided either i was going to kill myself or spend it wisely, if i was going to live then i wanted to enjoy living so i went to work rolled up my sleeves and now life is tolerable, even enjoy it at times! you only have one at living and after that comes nothingness, up to you throw in the towel or change your life for the better. i wish you luck on what ever you do.
Firstly, thanks for replying.
Ha, ouch is right. Even I’ll admit to that, despite my countless experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation and dry runs with hanging myself. I can also agree that I do believe it is our responsibility and choice to go down the straight path of redemption or the winding road to destruction.
I don’t however, agree that everyone who has felt suicidal can find the will to live, because it no longer exists for them. Not everyone has reasons to continue living. I should know, I’ve made lists. Nevertheless if you can make it out alive as can on average a couple gusted thousand, maybe I can as well.
I love the way you write. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. So sad. You have had a hard life.
I have taken a liking to hanging too. Never put much thought into it but I found myself doing some research on the method.
I tried the dorm life. It was not for me. I don’t want to be around people who obviously look at me like I’m a freak. I hate going to school and seeing their stupid faces. I’m always alone. Not even my family makes me feel normal anymore.
But you know what… I don’t give a fuck. The cuts on my arms… I never hide them. I wear whatever I feel like on that day.
Depression sucks. It has been sucking the life out of me for a decade now. It never gets better. Never.
I wish you peace in your journey. I wish I was gone already. I gave up a long time ago. I don’t even know how or why I’m still here.
I love that you read my writing.
Thank you for replying too.
Yes, hanging definitely is symbolic and romantic to me. I’ve done my fair share of research and dry runs with hanging. I even keep a noose in my dorm room!
Yes dorm life is difficult, (especially competing with the “alpha males” taking the best females, dealing with peers, social rejection, etc).
You have balls. I still feel like the angsty self-conscious punk I was when I sank the razor into my arms during my teen years (21 currently).
I liken depression to our own personal devil inside of us, and it does suck.
Even if you don’t know why you’re here I’m glad you are.
Sorry but you are wrong about most of what you said. I know because I’ve been down those roads many times. Booze, and most drugs, will actually cause depression, a lack of motivation and a hopeless feeling. We drink to drown that out for a short time but all we are really doing is increasing all those things in us, making life harder than it has to be. And you are very wrong when you say you have no control over your life. You absolutely do.
Are you going to feel like working your ass off and achieving a goal with a drug or booze hangover? Nope. That will just give you an excuse to keep drinking and doing the drugs, and making your life worse. So in reality, it is your fault if your life sucks. So you can go out and change that…with effort and patience…or you can choose to stay miserable. And you very much are making that choice. Blaming it on a life you supposedly have no control over is just your excuse to do nothing and stay miserable.
I slashed my wrist and took 12 stitches. And as I sat there bleeding out I suddenly realized that life could be better if I just put one foot in front of the other and pushed myself in a direction that would be better than where I was. It worked. Life will never be perfect or some ridiculous fairy-tale, but just as you are sure bad days will come…so too will good days come. That’s life, good and bad, for everyone.
And, just a suggestion, you might not want to hang yourself. My brother did that and it turns out that hanging oneself, is easy to screw up. Apparently he hung there, alive and going brain dead, for 2 days, as he slowly suffocated on the blood filling his lungs. It was a very slow and painful death. It’s not as easy as the movies make it sound.
I don’t mean to beat up on you but unless you are severely crippled or in severe physical pain, then you will ALWAYS have the opportunity to make life what you want it to be, with effort and patience. I hope you figure that out and find better roads than I did to bring you smiles. 🙂
VERY WELL SAID!!!! love your post.
Apology accepted.
So, we should all be aware of the distinction between subjectivity and objectivity. In other words, your experience of reality is to mine like your asshole is to all seven billion of us. Different.
Yes, we absolutely have control over our lives! But really, how much? You didn’t choose your family, or where you grew up.
Anyway, I’m happy you realized your potential and will to continue living, but don’t presume that everyone has this mystical energy reserve to keep going like the Energizer Bunny. I will admit it does occur, you’re literally living proof of that.
I appreciate the suggestion. I have done my research on suicide methods (hanging and CO poisoning in particular) and I understand the risks and challenges. Also my condolences to your brother. Obviously he suffered greatly due to him probably compressing his windpipe instead of his carotid arteries.
I don’t mind you beating up on me, as long as I can take some shots at you as well haha. Thanks friend, glad you’re still here.
Whisper i can relate to alot of what you said, brother also hung himself. depressed. drug use. cutting.
I’ve been like that for the past 5-6 years but right now i;ve come to a lot of the realizations you seem to have”
You really do have to make your life better. It’s just a damn fight. that’s all there is to it.
fight till you can’t no more to make things better and fade away grinning.
I want to remind everyone that for every 30 suicide attempts only 1 is successful. I once considered hanging too-but the failure rate for some reason is very high and a bag over the head won’t do much by itself. We can’t discuss methods here so all I’ll say is there is a lot of information out there, do lots of research first before attempting anything.
Otherwise I can only imagine what you’re going through. But I won’t give you any pep talks-I try to be objective about reality. What you’re experiencing is your reality and if you feel you can change it and are willing to work hard to improve your life then that’s great. I hit rock bottom once and pulled myself out of it and am doing much better but still have much further to go till I’m happy.
If you felt that you’ve suffered enough, things will never improve and wish to end it all, then I support that decision also. I believe there will come a day like that for me also (in the future). But just be wise about how you decide to ‘go.’ Botching it would leave you much worse off. There are ways that I’m confident in and will use if/when the time comes.
Thanks for replying.
I think the figure is even higher than that, something like 40 against 1 of success. The failure rate is high for hanging? You sure? Hanging is actually a reliable method ranking at 70% lethality rate, one of the highest lethality rates and common suicide methods.
Yes, a bag alone is like holding your breath to death; drugs would be necessary.
I’m glad you pulled yourself out of the gutter rather than falling down the abyss. It’s inspiring in a way really, because it seems so difficult to do in my perspective. Nonetheless thanks for your support, friend.
Everyone is confident in some of their own methods. I feel an odd one here. My choice is a 3500 ft high cliff.. who thinks it sounds good and impressive enough ? Enough to take away the lifelong agony.. dont let me know head first feet first this makes my heart stop because I havent an idea.
Pills and alcohol + plastic bag scares me.. im not discouraging here but if you take the pills and alcohol and put a plastic bag over your head tightly wrapped what is the guarantee that it wont burst or the air wont go out or come in from any bitta hole I have given this thought a lot of time maybe im just stupid.. if anyone cares to clear this. It sounds peaceful btw. And how would u know that both have worked well.