Feelings and thoughts

I don’t know what to say anymore.

There is nothing productive that I can think.

Thoughts and feelings veer towards the negative.

I feel ugly. Inside. And out.

It is FUNNY because externally I am young, female, and more objectively attractive than I have ever been.

But subjectively I feel like soiled milk that is kept in an opaque jar.

Conversing people in a communal room drop dead, silent, when I enter.

Surely the darkness inside my heart nags at them. Makes them uncomfortable. Wary.

I keep wondering if they feel it. If the unspoken things that have been kept hidden somehow pokes out when I am not looking and they catch a glimpse of what I want to do out of the corner of their eyes.

I keep thinking that maybe the only productive thing I can do in my life is reproduce.

Mysogynistic racist shit.

And the odds of pills working is akin to winning a lottery.

And the unreality of it all, the shithead still stomping away upstairs, me still surviving in this environment, alone, occasionally weepy, unable to be defined by words

Unreal

Unreality.

Limbo

stuck between thoughts and feelings

unable to reconcile

lost my heart