Hi,
this is my first post here, so sorry in advance if I’m bad at this, also sorry for any bad grammar, English is not my native tongue…
I only found this site today and spend the last few hours reading stories and I noticed that nearly everyone here has more reason to quit their life than I do… There are so many authors who had a horrible past or who have to live with illnesses and physical disabilities, I don’t want to make it sound wrong, but I can totally understand depression and suicidal thoughts in some cases. I even understand these thoughts in people who “only” broke up with their significant other (please I don’t mean this derogatory, I don’t know how to phrase it differently)
That leads to me, I’m a guy in my mid twenties, I have a wonderful, loving family, mum, dad, sister, brother in law, grandmas… My childhood was pretty much perfect, I had smaller fights and there was light bullying in school, but nothing bad, my family is rather wealthy, I always had everything I need. I was doing really well in school, I learned very easily, always had good marks. I aced my A-levels in polytechnic institute, went to army for a year, had a good time, made friends, learned lots of interesting stuff and made some money for uni. Starting uni four years ago my dad bought me my own flat and even pays me a monthly upkeep.
A year ago I met someone online in a chat and we came together a few months later, he’s from another country, so a long distance relationship, but we met this summer for the first time, it was really nice, we both had lots of fun, maybe fell in love a bit, another win in my life…
So recap to this point? My life is pretty much perfect, I’m so very privileged, somewhere in the top 5% on this entire planet I’d guess… I should be so grateful and don’t talk about problems because nearly everyone has it somehow worse than me and many have it way worse. I can literally do what I want… My family would back me up in whatever I do, my dad finances everything I want, someday I’ll inherit everything my dad has build up, a huge house, in upper-mid-class neighbourhood, garden, pool, no debts… It’s basically a dream life, the easiest difficulty setting, something nearly everyone would be more than happy to have.
And now I’m at the point in this story where I start feeling bad, because I just told you how amazing everything is and how easy my life is, but somehow, and I have absolutely no clue why, it isn’t… When I started studying in uni four years ago I quickly became tired and bored by it, it wasn’t really what I imagined. At this point I would have had the opportunity to just change my studies, dad wouldn’t have cared, he would have supported me as always. But I didn’t… I started doing nothing… nothing at all, for days, weeks, months… for over three years now… I do nothing every day, I don’t study, I don’t work, I get up around noon, make food, spend all my day on the internet or with games, watch some Youtube and then go to bed late at night. I do this every day… Very occasionally I meet some of my few friends in town. Every month I visit my parents for a weekend and I tell them how well my studies go, how I’m working on my BSc. project and whatnot, all lies of course…
I don’t know how I got into this, and I sure don’t know how to get out of it again… The problem is that I just have absolutely no idea what I really want to do, and the “just work to make money to survive” that nearly everyone lives by is an absolute horror to me. I’m so disgusted by my arrogance and selfishness, but I just can’t change how I feel…
I never told anyone about it, everyone including my boyfriend thinks I’m close to finishing uni, no one knows what a lazy, selfish, coward I am… For two years now I struggle to get out of this, I looked into so many different jobs and careers, had an amazing internship at a company doing what I’m currently “studying” and it just confirmed my dislike in it, if I had to guess I’d say I’m just so lazy I don’t want to work at all.
The thought of a future together with my boyfriend sounds kinda nice, but I neither know how to get there, nor if I’d really be happy then.
Two years ago I seriously thought about suicide for the first time, for a year now I regularly think about it, I prepared messages for my parents and my friend, generally figured out what and how to do it. I guess I’m quite serious about it, but I was delaying it, just pushing it away like everything else in my life. Now tho the end draws near, my bubble will burst in a bit over a week as due to health insurance reasons my “not-studying” will inevitably be revealed.
If I just tell my parents the truth, I know they’ll be very disappointed in me, but I’m sure they will still support me, probably urge me to get a job, I can stay in my flat, will start paying everything for myself or so but the main problem remains for me, I just don’t know what I want to do, cause if I get some 40 hour full time job I know I’ll probably lose it in a few months.
My boyfriend is totally into his studies, he loves what he’s doing, seems he is going into the right direction, I envy him for that. Speaking of him, when I started looking for help, or just someone to talk to at least, I of course thought about telling him, but the problem is he is so very immature and irresponsible, he has nearly no real life friends, he has nearly no experience with real relationships, we only met for ~3 weeks in person. In addition to his inexperience and general social incompetence, I also fear he does not take our relationship very serious. His favourite pastime activity is playing Second Life, doing all kinds of disgusting role play… Every time I think about it, or he post pictures, or I just see his status “playing Second Life” I start feeling sick and often I have to get up, leave everything and try to calm down, it really hurts me. He’s “playing” it for many years now, way longer than we know each other, I just can’t tell him to stop doing it, as he apparently just enjoys it so much, he knows that I hate it, and we agreed that he just doesn’t talk to me about it anymore and I try to cope with it, but I can’t. He doesn’t take it serious, but I just can’t detach the things he says and does to other people in this game from reality, I often cry because of it and it is another part of why I just want to make everything go away and why I don’t want to tell him all of this.
I think I will end my story here for now, I guess it’s quite a bit longer than most other stories here, so I’m not sure if anyone is even going to bother reading to this point. If you do… Thanks… I don’t think I’m susceptible to encouragement or attempts to cheer me up, I also don’t think anyone can give me tips of how to get out of all this crap, but if you feel like telling me something then please do so. I could also very well understand you hating on me for my laziness, egoism or conceitedness, I honestly couldn’t be mad at you.
best wishes
2 comments
I can’t tell you what to do, or what will fix it.
I can only suggest change.
If you are not happy, but want to be, you need to find it.
You shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed of being privileged, depression can hit any, it doesn’t discriminate, depression doesn’t judge you by race, status, wealth/income or education.
Depression just finds a soul, with a piece missing, and takes hold, until you accept it, and fight it off or endure or succumb to it.
There are always steps to take, lifestyle choices, counseling, therapy, meds even.
But I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone, where anything would work, if they didn’t want, and didn’t at least find something they liked, however small.
A passion can be big and small, it can be in such a multitude of varieties. You should try and find one of yours, to reignite the spark in your soul.
Some might never find theirs, some might even be damn near impossible, some maybe be so strange and opposite of what one would have thought. Some maybe even don’t really want to.
The important thing is you give it a try, if even just a small try. To make changes, that you like, before you decide to give up or succumb.
No one can demand how hard you try, but you owe it to yourself to just try a little bit first…
You might just end up being one of them that gets to live life,
even if that life is completely different from what you ever had imagined
May peace be upon you
I would encourage you to come clean to your parents. Preferably before the reveal is forced. So much that isn’t good thrives on secrecy. Other then that I can only echo what the last snorlax has said above. It does seem that much of what you describe are the symptoms of serious depression, and some people respond very well to treatment. Idk if you’ve sought treatment, but perhaps that can help.