I am getting that urge again, you know to improve my life. I really hate this urge because on some level I want to stay stagnant. Even worse, I find myself getting down on myself each time I don’t make the steps I dream up while fantasizing about the ideal way of living. I get this momentum while doing my mindless job at work and it builds this inner vigor that quickly simmers out the second I get home. I’ve got no balance, no discipline, and while I am making changes they aren’t coming quickly enough. Therapists and advisers of mine tell me, “take it easy” or “normality will establish itself”, but honestly each time the energy of a better life builds up that momentum in one direction and the pendulum swings back with an equally negative force in the opposite direction, it just feels like this whole process is frail and pointless.
Struggling is so exhausting, exhausting to the point where I want to just become that apathetic pile I’ve been all of my life. I just keep telling myself “Give it 3 months” or “just get through today.”, I just hope I keep maintaining.
2 comments
I can relate to this.
YES – I got it bad too – Down so deep that one day (3weeks ago) I’m sucking exhaust fumes .. Want nothing more than to end this life – Not give a fuck about anybody — To Asking people who are in the same boat not to hurt themselves .. A hypocrite of the worst kind I am .. I got a small glimmer of hope these past few days but then I just think about – How you put it — -the pendulum swings back with an equally negative force .. I’m afraid to get sort of on top of things and have that zest for life when I know that I’ll probably hit rock bottom again .. It Sucks .. But my hypocrite self has said get through Xmas, things may pick up , Get better , maybe real good even while working on an exit plan every other thought .. Good times …??