I am blessed and privileged and enjoy freedom in so many ways, and am truly grateful for that. But I am at a crossroads in life and it’s tearing me apart.. I am struggling to make any decision regarding my future.
Multicultural travel and experimentation with psychedelics the last two years have greatly opened my mind to higher states of being, but they have also led me to question all of my beliefs, motivations, values and sense of purpose. My biggest, if not only fear in life is the fear of regret, so I obsess over making the “right” choice, which I define as the one in which I achieve my highest potential as a human being (self-actualization/transcendence).
I have two major lifestyle decisions in front of me. I know nothing is permanent, but I feel that the choice I make now will significantly impact my long-term future and potential happiness. My OCD and INTP personality are spinning my mind around in circles. I am trying to consult my spiritual voice with mindfulness/meditation, but it’s a struggle with my overclocking mind. I am also very resistant to antidepressants, because I fear the numbing effect they may have on my creativity and consciousness.
My analysis paralysis is driving my mind to consider a third option.. hence me posting on this site. It’s ironic that I would prefer death over not choosing the optimal life path.
Any thoughts/advice/stories to share?
1 comment
I had a similar shift in priorities brought on by a major change of environment 20 some years ago. It was pretty unnerving, especially since I ‘had it all figured out’ at age 12, set out on the path and completed the first leg (necessary degree), only to realize a couple years later, “Oh shit, I don’t actually want that. Now what?!” I also happen to share your personality traits.
As far as regret, the biggest one by far claimed by the elderly is “didn’t take enough chances.” It’s never something like, “starting that damn business that failed.” If you start something that fails, you know the outcome, and you got to experience that journey. You also learned some valuable lessons along the way. So pick one of your first two options, and go for it! If it doesn’t work out, try the second… you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose.
I know firsthand that telling someone with OCD not to overthink things is a cruel joke, but from what you’ve written, I think you might find Taoism useful if you haven’t already checked into it. Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu is the seminal work. Zen in the Art of Archery by Herrigel is also a quick, excellent read that might help you not find your path (or however the masters would put it haha).
My best to you in the new year, friend.
___
“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.”
—Lao Tzu