I thought I was doing so much better. Shit got rough… and then I was like Yes I think i’ve fixed myself, no need for a therapist. No need to talk about my stupid fucking feeling again, as if they matter. I fixed myself. I pushed it back.
And here I fucking am. Once again. Worse than I was before. Literally searching at 12am reasons to stay, signs of emotional abuse, talking to my friend whos drunk telling me to be happy. What the fuck is my life even? Who am I? I literally don’t know. My favourite colours mean nothing to me anymore. My favourite food is like eating paper. I’m excited by absolutely nothing. My super loving boyfriend who has no idea that I’m self destructing on the side and literally ripping myself apart in my head.
I skipped school again. I hate myself. My friends hate me for not going. My friend yells at me for not “getting over this”. I fucking hate when I try to open up and they threaten to call people to help me. As if I’m not capable of fucking having self control. Not every person who gets this fucking depressed just wants to off themselves right away. I’m stuck.
I’m not even living. I’m just surviving til I die. That’s how I see my stupid life. Ugh.
6 comments
I think it’s quite common to be lost at your age, from your school mention I’m guessing you’re in your teens. It’s the stage of one’s life that you’re beginning to form an identity, and a direction in life. However, for many, that process takes time. So I don’t think you should worry too much about this. Also, have you opened up about your issues to your boyfriend? If not, I think it would be a good idea. A big part of relationships is supporting each other, and from your description it sounds like he’s fully capable of doing it.
O and I’m sorry about your friend’s reaction to this. The reaction of “just get over this” is far too common, and I think it’s simply due to a lack of understanding about mental issues.
I’m in college, but it’s never been easy for me. I’ve been trying
“I fucking hate when I try to open up and they threaten to call people to help me.”
^ This. Yes. Note to anyone in cyberspace who thinks the proper way to help is to call others for help: Wtf? When someone opens up to YOU, that means they want YOUR help. Not the police, not the doctors, not 911. If they wanted those things, they’re fully capable of pressing 3 numbers on a fricking phone. So when someone opens up to you, don’t pass the buck and think you’ve done your job. The best way to help is, well… to help. This has been a public service announcement from someone who is sick of it all. Carry on.
And no, Salt. No.
If I have a friend that hates doctors and he comes to me because he needs to share his problems with his leg, which I notice has a broken bone sticking out of it; then I’m going to call a doctor.
The same goes for mental health problems, too. …except there is more nuance.
If an identifiable 14 year old guy makes a credible statement about killing himself because his girlfriend dumped him then I’m calling the police.
In all cases I use my judgement. Yes, because of the nature of this community, I generally believe in giving support only. But I will not be willfully blind.
Personally, for you, Salt, I’ll call the cops on your ass in a New York minute until you pay me that $20 you owe me.
I think that works for people who aren’t yet set on suicide. There was a time when I would’ve taken the gesture of calling the cops to be a validation of my predicament. But for someone who has been through a lifetime of the wringer already, who has very real plans of suicide as a response to ineffective emergency calls, who is sick of “loved ones” thinking they can fix you by shipping you off to someone else, police calls are the worst thing you could do. In matters of suicide as well as life, I highly advocate rolling up your sleeves and digging into the problem yourself if you want it fixed right. I personally have told all the people close to me exactly what I need (and it’s not even that fucking difficult), and they instead give the sort of “help” that they think is appropriate which is the opposite of what I say. My point is there is no clearcut emergency textbook response; you must exercise individual discretion. Give the suicidal person more attention than calling 911 and patting yourself on the back for a life saved. Read some of the posts made by people who have been dumped in psych wards by their families. All that accomplishes is making the suicidal person more cunning to avoid detection.
Yes, you need to talk about your stupid fucking feelings again. And again until you learn they aren’t stupid.
You can’t ever push problems and unwanted emotions back. You have to draw them in. You don’t bury or hide them; you give them a clean, well lighted room to live in inside you. You keep an eye on them. You don’t hate yourself for having them. Eventually they will shrink, but they will never go away. This is OK because they work just fine being building blocks for a better future.
You really need to clue your boyfriend in about your mental state.
Lastly, yes you can fix yourself just like you can swim across the Atlantic alone if you want. Most people would sensibly fly with friends accompanying.