Alpha Cluster F€ck?

Ok: let me start by stating 

I suffer from Bipolar Depression diagnosed over 13years ago and last therapy session that I actually went to and could afford 2006! The self – medicating sh*t lasts only but so long!

I have a turmoil “we should be a murder- suicide”any minute relationship but decent no cops called.

Its like high school bullying with a side of manipulation with sexual contact on the rarity.  Real f€cking great example just like our parents weren’t.  Lol ?

I would like to just End him,but that’s just sh*t I am writing. Only person I be ever managed to hurt is myself and deeply it seems.

We have never been 100% there for each other. It’s like a decent date that went on for too long. A hellmare that I won’t out but can’t find the release button. I want to rid myself this vile darkness &despair feeling.  I have done meds and other stuff but nothing.

I even feel like God has earmuffs on when I pray. I am trying meditation now  but I can’t commit to nothing:((