Hello there, I haven’t really been on here in quite a while due to me trying to get my life together which has not been really going the way I expected it to be. Anyways, I would like to start off by saying that I recently graduated high school several months ago and ever since doing so I noticed that nobody would call or text me. So from there on I realized that I truly never had any real friends, but then again this is nothing new for me as I have always had trouble making friends with others ever since I was a kid. Due to all of this occurring after graduating I ended up skipping my first two semesters of college because I was too scared to enter the real world along with not wanting to deal with the same shit I did back in high school. I also socially isolated myself for nearly eight months which has caused me to go mentally ill along with triggering my insanity, I have been trying so hard to fit in during my high school days only to figure out that I have been an outcast my entire life. I was too busy worrying about being accepted by others instead of living my own life.
This whole bipolar (manic) depression has caused me to go insane, I have absolutely no fear of anything anymore, I constantly have the sudden urge to put myself in a dangerous situation which involves excitement and adrenaline. I have what you call a death wish, I am mentally and physically fucked in the head at this point, and this is the only way for me to cope with my depression. I have been through every single stage of depression, and it is now to point where I’m not even depressed anymore..I have actually lost my mind at this point. Speaking of losing my mind a long time ago, there was this one time where I woke up in the middle of the night around five in the morning and I had a conversation with the wall. There has also been times where I would constantly see things, hear things, feel things, and find myself talking to myself on a daily basis..as the hallucinations are real. Not to mention the constant overthinking of negative and unwanted thoughts along with dwelling on the past.
Once this whole insanity triggered my brain due to several months of constant social isolation I ended up finding a new way to live that involves adrenaline. I know it will probably end up killing me someday, but I ended up replacing this lack of social belonging with a way of living that works the best for me. It hurts my parents tremendously, though, I still love them dearly but the only way I will ever stop doing this is when I die. I have talked to them about it, and they have to accept it for what it is because this is the life I want until the end at this point. My loved ones constantly complain and worry about me but I have my own agenda, and I will never stop doing what I love as only death with take me. You have to learn to live for yourself, not for others.
3 comments
Don’t be afraid of mental illness. It’s like a dream. As a matter of fact don’t be afraid of anything. You can cope. You made it so far. Yes, you can cope. You can find joy in your hell. There is always something in which you can find joy.
I passed through mental illness, loosing my mind for 2 times. But I recovered. 2 years passed since my last episode and now I am very well. I feel better and what is important, life has a meaning.
Don’t be afraid. The only thing you should be afraid is death through suicide. You don’t know what awaits you to the other side. There are many theories out there, but I believe that you cannot cheat death. You cannot experience nothingness or go to a better world through suicide.
Find joy in your hell, as I did. I wish you peace.
Well, there is such a thing as living for yourself for the short term versus living for yourself for the long term. Most people have a blended strategy that they believe maximizes their total life happiness.
I hope you find your happy medium.
I’m learning to live for myself. It is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done