This is how it starts. I get the pressure of other people’s discarded burdens, the useless things they don’t want. Things like a child who is so loving that not wanting him makes me want to kick his mother’s ass, and father’s. Then I get the burden of useful things they do want, like organization. Yeah… just come organize everything I do if you are unhappy, and because I feel bad when I yell and put anger on people, I’ll avoid a fight, let you disempower me and hijack my experience, make it yours.
I thrive a bit under pressure, but then the nights get longer, sleeping hours dwindle. I start to have nerve sensations in every limb and joint from the stress and sleeplessness. But I am tough. One night? ha Two? haha! A week without sleep gets me down hard, sure. But I live in a waking dream-state, I’ve been near this body much longer than I’ve been in it. Sleep is suffering now. Waking is just boring and achy, since I want so little from this world but to curl up at night near someone who won’t hurt me and not be alone.
When I lose sleep I get stronger. Faster, funnier, braver. It’s mania, so nothing can go wrong right? lol Then, right before the big disaster moment, I start to see I am off-balance and irrational, and by then I do not care at all, except to know the pain of being torn slowly from the inside out. Ok, enough drama.
I’m not sleeping well. I am stressed. My Nephew has been here for five days because his mom broke up with someone who was awful. He stayed one or two nights a week when drinking and violence were all around him. But I won’t complain to him or her. He’s safer here. He knows, I know, she knows. She knows because she didn’t know, when she decided not to give him up the day he was born: She didn’t know that her meal ticket would be so busy, and loud, and sweet. That he would love her for real as her son. And now she’s stuck with him….. mommy and daddy aren’t paying every bill, utility, spending spree, car payment etc. etc. just to keep her safe and happy. They do it for him and she knows. She is jealous. But she can leverage him, and we all live in fear of the day the money stops flowing her way. But I was also there the day he was born, and I promised to protect him.
sound familiar anyone?
11 comments
I’m trying to read this but I’m driving so just hold on I’ll read and respond shortly <3
going out for a long walk in the cold snow. Get some blood flowing. Don’t crash ur car reading while driving. Suicide is a choice. Crashing ur car on the phone is dumb. Love you Wanted. thx for being a pal. ttyl
I wonder sometimes about crashing my car I think it would be painless if I hit a wall hard enough. But my luck id break all my bones and be a vegetable for the rest of my existence
I don’t need luck. I won’t die. the bones will heal with those lasting “remember me?” aches, and I’ll be whining to you about it tomorrow. And with the foot of snow that just blew in, it could have been a convincing and insurance friendly “accident”. darn.
ok I read it. My input… ugh! I hate confrontation and won’t argue with anyone unless it’s a stranger haha but I won’t argue with family or friends I just bury my feelings on anything it’s my biggest downfall other than self hate.
Ugh again being alone or lonely sucks and finding someone who understands you and accepts you not just the good but the Bad also is the hardest cause no one ever understands your inner struggle. And I’m the type that won’t let anyone in to see it cause it’s dark it sucks and it’s not physical so it’s hard to understand and explain so I feel you there. Shit I just wanna cuddle buddy most night this ***** gets cold.
sleep I’ve always said is for the weak. But no sleep is for the insane. I crave sleep. Alas my mind will not allow a decent night sleep to where I’m not being beat, raped and usually when I wake up killed. My dreams are worse than my wake, or of the same equivalence. My nightmares went away for a short 6 months when i first started dating my now ex, but they slowly started taking nights back away from me. Weird thing I use to have a tub in my nightmares that I could hide in therefore I was safe and was able to sleep at least 3 hours. But my safe tub has been missing for a couple months now so 2 hours a night it is except those rare moments a bottle of vodka and sleeping pills that make it no matter how much I nightmare I don’t wake up for a solid 4 hours. So on your sleepless nights I understand. Some days I wonder if I just started doing meth again then at least I’d be awake and high enough to not give a fuck but my hairs to long for jail and I like my teeth *sigh*
As for your sister. I’m incredibly sorry to hear about her not being a good mom for your nephew, however how lucky is he to have you?! My nephews and neice are the reason I’m still here. Your nephew although now doesn’t fully understand how lucky he is to have you he will when he’s older I promise my best friend who I consider my sister now struggled as a single mom and I helped with her daughter and when she was 2 she didn’t get it she is 18 now and we have such a bond and she knows her mom couldn’t have done it without me. So although circumstances are different your nephew will appreciate and be glad you’ve selflessly stayed alive even if it’s just for him.
🙂 thanks again. it is hopeful. my goal is to get him to the magic 18 mark. Somehow when he’s 18 he’ll just be alright and I can opt out. It’s nonsense, but a good enough goal for now.
My youngest neice is 6 so if wait till she’s 18 I got 12 more years of misery. Maybe before he turns 18 you’ll decide life’s worth it maybe not. I’m drinking right now so life is ok isn’t that how it always works? I just have to make it home before the ex so he doesn’t force me to sleep on the floor. My life is awesome. I should really leave this state and make a new life
Honestly Wanted, I was thinking of saying you should leave that particular state. It’s not very wizard friendly really, and I can’t remember if the latest news out of Nebraska involved corn…… or wheat. hmmmmmm. nope, can’t remember. Also, I know it is(technically) a state but I forgot all about it til you mentioned it. It may not suit an interesting person at all.
btw, I found that deleted post from yesterday. it was in drafts somehow, but I could have sworn it wasn’t. lol fuckety fuck, right?!
Really the only thing keeping me here is my family my mother would be heart broken but I’m dying here I need to leave before it kills me but i have no where else to go and I make good money with my job. I keep trying to save money to leave but I always end up having to move somewhere else it’s driving me nuts I had a grand saved up for a move but I just used that for my new apt deposits and first couple months rent ugh ugh ugh dying and can’t wait to get out!
Hey Fox, hope you get a good night’s sleep soon. I too struggle with sleep. Mostly its over sleeping but I do suffer bouts of insomnia.. Wishing you well, lovely. Your nephew is lucky to have you as an uncle.
thx <3