O that sickening, gut twisting, hot-headed feeling of disappointment and mild panic when one wakes from slumber, the only state I’m comfortable in now. There’s more to come, more to be had. Why can I not sleep forever, why must I be and feel? It’s a stupid time to wake up anyway half five in the evening, pft. Just want my conscience to slip away, gently melt from existence and every time I awake it’s the same. They are closing in on me, I fear, I must act soon.
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Yeah, I’m just lying in bed most of the time now, even when I’m not sleeping. I’ve been left “unemployed” recently as it were so I can do that. I’ve gotta act soon as well, one more minute or one more day is too much, gotta hit the endgame soon.
What’s holding you back, Woody? For myself it’s a feeling of uncertainty and then the feeling of it being another failure and then the simple fact of having to leave the flat or even my bed. I’m in limbo. I’m not living, I’m existing I’m just not dead physically yet and I suppose, if I’m honest I will say that I am not absolutely certain as to whether I am dead inside. Most of the time I feel I am but occasionally I’ll get a flicker human emotion and a faint wish to be happy. Lust, love, be comfortable with life succeed with my art so I don’t have to do a job I hate or any ‘job’ at all. But it’s all fantasy, I’m getting tired of running round in circle chasing my own tail. Playing their game and losing miserably. I do envy your clarity and your location. If I was in Glasgow I would just head North and keep going. Soak up every bit of nature I could one last time; hills the forest before filling my pockets and step into river or loch. Would not be very pleasant for my Nan though she lives up in Inverness not far from Oban she’d be left wondering why I came to her to die..
It is strange also how during this powerful urge to die, I’m still hungry I still want/need to eat, I still have a sweet tooth for fuck’s sake. What’s all that about? Is that my body ‘s natural response or is it subconsciously trying to tell me something. Then again I am still alive after all I guess not everything is just going to shut down because I will it to.