Sorry very long post, hope you will read

I’ve been posting on this site on and off since 2011. I didn’t come here planning to post anything today, but a post about asexuality kind of inspired me to. I’m hoping this will be cathartic. I have never shared these feelings with anyone.

My freshman year of college, about 2 years ago, I had a roommate named Amy. She really fucked me up. I have sort of a dependent personality and she took advantage of that. I (technically my parents) paid for everything: gas (her car), groceries, weed, going out to eat, I even helped pay for part of her tuition, but I really loved her. We clicked instantly. I can still picture her standing in my bedroom doorway in her robe asking me how to work the shower on our first night in the dorm. I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me. I had never felt that way with anyone before; I hope to feel that again with someone else someday.

While she was in class I attempted suicide with vodka and pills. I fell asleep and woke up to Amy asking my why I wasn’t in class and what was wrong. I broke down and told her what I did. She was always there for me. Helping me get out of bed, making me food, listening to me, and motivating me to go to class.

I found out about asexuality by googling something like “being love with some one but not sexually attracted”. I was in love with Amy, but I didn’t want to have sex with her. I am not 100% sure whether or not I’m asexual. It’s hard for me to tell if I’m feeling sexual attraction or aesthetic attraction. Only time and experimentation will tell. I at least know that I’m biromantic.

I lost my virginity and slept with three different men over the three months we lived together. I was never sober during sex. Did I enjoy the sex? I’m not sure. Maybe if I were able to communicate and feel comfortable with my sexuality during sex it would be better. Or maybe I had sex just for human contact. (I did experiment with Amy, also not sober, just kissing and dry humping a few times.)

Two months after I dropped out of college the guy I lost my virginity to wanted to see me and I really wanted to get stoned so I agreed. We went over to his friend’s apartment where we used to hang out. I had a bad reaction after we smoked. I didn’t feel right. I thought maybe the sex would help, but I just wanted it to be over the whole time. I could have told him to stop anytime and I know he would have respected me, but I didn’t. It’s been so long it’s hard for me to remember what exactly was going through my mind. I’ve really just tried to forget about it. The thought of having sex again gives me unpleasant feelings.

I didn’t realize how much I loved and was blinded by Amy until I wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. When I dropped out I moved back home. I won’t go into too much detail, but my parents had lost their trust in me. Part of it was spending money that I shouldn’t have, like I mentioned earlier. They also blamed Amy for taking advantage and being an overall bad influence on me. It has taken me a long time to admit that she took advantage of me and that maybe she never really loved me. God that fucking hurts.

This was not a kind of emotional pain I had felt before. It was mixed with rage too. Rage at myself and my parents. I had never felt so trapped either. These words don’t do enough convey how I felt. It was an extremely dark time.

We did keep in contact the first year after I dropped out. I was able to see her three times in person, but it was never the same. I couldn’t ever whole-heartedly trust her like I had before.

Thank you for reading.

If only I could write this much for school essays