I had lurked here for years and finally started posting in February. I was just itching to go in those three posts. But then my therapist and I had a break through last week after three years of steady work and only very modest gains, up to that point. It was, it seems now, the break through we have long sought after and one I was about ready to give up on ever discovering. By the way, all the substances being used in my treatment are all natural and oh so nice with benefits well beyond those expected.
I still see suicide as an essential right that I wish we all had. I now personally see suicide as the most likely outcome for me when there is no longer any real likelihood of remedy or healing for an insufferable condition.
I am not all happy and giggles and grins now either. I now see what monsters many of our fellow human beings are and I keep my means of exit ever so ready because while I do have respite for now that respite may go away. Or my 60 almost body may start to seriously fail sometime.Or whatever else…
Knowing what I now know about assholes and even my own inevitable decline, I expect I will always view suicide as my most likely manner of death.
7 comments
Glad to hear therapy is working for you.
I’m curious about your therapy – what kind of therapy is it ? DBT/CBT/etc ? Also, why do you feel like you had a breakthrough, i.e., what was different in your session(s) last week than before ? Can you elaborate on your breakthrough ?
I’m not trying to invalidate your therapy or how you feel about it. I’m just really curious how it has benefited you.
What substances are you taking? Are Valerian root , ashwaghanda and/or St. John’s wort involved by any chance? I’m curious. It’s cool that you found a therapist and stuff that’s helping you.
braiNsane, substances are:
Supplements:
L-theanine, taken as needed for anxiety, it is a green tea extract
Methylfolate (a.k.a. 5-MTHF), taken daily to counter depression , a bio-active form of folic acid
5-HTP, taken daily to increase serotonin levels, a Griffonia simplicifolia seed extract
Probiotic 30 Billion CFU’s, promotes complete intestinal digestive activity, list of 15 ingredients too long too type here
Essential oils: (the benefits and effects are so good and numerous I would say best to goggle these)
Lavender, Eucalyptus, Lemon, Cedarwood, Peppermint.
Be sure to go for reputable brands and it must be the essential oil extract, not just the heavy oils which have little or no health benefit. Essential oils can and do slip through the blood/brain barrier as their molecules are oh so small, typically under 500AMU (for you physics types).
Everything listed above cost about $150, the effects are beautiful, no nada zip none side effects.
Thanks for asking Einsamkeit. Good and valid questions, all of them. The therapy is EMDR. The break through was actually re-experiencing infant trauma (it can be done) that I had no notion of, yet, it was actually an historical fact. I was born 4 pounds and 13 ounces and in 1957 that meant a one way ticket to the little house of horrors they then called Programs For Premature Infant Care ( in the US). How the mind hides stuff from itself is amazing (?) sometimes. I say break through because I have numerous fears and phobias and that neither i nor the therapist could see where they came from and for nearly three years the root cause of these fears and phobias could not be pinned on the parental unit or any one else and for three years we had no idea who or what brought those phobias and fears on.
Obviously this is a bigger subject than contained above, so follow on questions are fine. Sorry about the run on sentences. Thanks for asking.
Ah, this was a reply for Einsamkeit.
Yes, I’ve read about EMDR and even considered it at some point. The concept is fascinating.
I didn’t know that you could go that far back in time, to your infancy. That is also interesting.
So, your misery all these years has been caused by your search for the origin of the phobias ? Was there more to it ?
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Good questions. I was so disbelieving that infancy experiences could be brought up. Let me digress? Studies conducted in the 1940s and 1950’s on child and adult survivors (that is what we are) of Programs For Premature Infant Care ( and the like) showed that we were a different breed of cat shall we say, which then led to the understanding that infants were far more cognitive than had been previously thought.
My misery was caused by the insufficiently mitigated stresses premature infants that I and every other premature infant experienced in those days of the late 1950’s. Such stress is stored indefinitely and just keeps on affecting us until it is dealt with.
My own health, when I was born, was not unusual as far as I know. Premies are not born sick per se, just underdeveloped in terms of dealing with the basics like breathing, eating, and the like. But what no doubt further aggravated my psyche was the parental unit continuing on with abuse of other kinds, most of which was brought up in therapy and resolved in a relatively straight forward and timely manner as therapy goes.
Perhaps it should be noted that one in eight people are born prematurely. In all fairness it should also be noted that premature care has vastly improved since those days when I went through it. Today the isolation, starvation, etc ( not making this up) reserved for us premature born people back then would be unthinkable. Thanks for asking.