just… tired. Tired of abusive family. Tired of people that pretend to understand when they clearly don’t. Tired of societal expectations. Tired of having some hope left. Tired of constant pain and torment. Tired of constant suicidal thoughts. Tired of feeling guilty. Tired of waiting for a break. Tired of waiting for someone to notice me and want to spend time with me. Tired of being the invisible one. Tired of being the one everyone looks down on, because I’m never “good enough”. Tired of being the one everyone tramples and gets left behind trying to pick myself up, and then get trampled again when I’m just about to get back up. Tired of 1 trillion more things. I am FUCKING TIRED.
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I know is feeling all too well. Tired of never being good enough no matter how hard you try. Tired of “friends” who don’t even realise something’s wrong… just tired!!
Yeah, my “friend” told me to commit suicide. What a friend. Haven’t talked to her since.
I’m tired too…
perhaps of some very different things
but I truely am tired…
yet still, i read every single one of ur 42 posts
because i notice you & i do want to spend time if you can let me…
could we talk?
That’s insane. You definitely don’t need friends like that. I just dont talk to my friend, cause I know she won’t get it.
& by the way i’m not & i won’t pretend to understand
I’m asking that u help me understand
I know that reading everything u wrote doesn’t mean I actually know everything
yet
I have so many things to say to u
sure, we can talk
Heyyy
I’m really happy u wrote those 4 words
🙂
I replied to ur comment on ur Paranoid post
&
if u like
we could start talking there
or we could start here,
whichever u prefer…
we can talk here. So, what where the things you wanted to say.
it’s difficult to decide where to start…
I had things set up in my mind when I was reading all ur posts
but now that I’m actually writing you…
this more difficult than I thought it would be…
regardless…
here goes
first of all
I want to point out
that i don’t claim to know how u’r feeling
or what u’r going through
u’r the only person who knows how it’s been
i could “relate” or “imagine”
but i can’t possibly “know”
which unfortunately means
that i can’t tell u
“i understand”
even though, in my heart
I want to tell u that
so, I say
I can relate
that life does suck
I can relate
that people,
young & old,
can be more than mean
I can imagine
how heartbreaking it would be
when the closest people to you
fail you
I can imagine
how frightening & scary it could get
when the person who should have been protecting you
& caring for you
betrays that trust
& instead
hurts you
I can imagine
the horror that would strike
the pure heart
of an innocent child
when an evil stranger
so suddenly takes over that child’s life
& I can relate
to how the loss
of friends
so young
& so full of life
can mess up
a young soul’s sanity & convictions
& I can imagine
how all this suffering
could so easily
make it self be
a title to your life
so that you can think
of no other way
to end that suffering
other than to end
that life
by your own hands
but I also say
that the voice u heard
can not possibly be wrong
that I strongly believe
you would not have heard it
had it not been,
in God’s eyes,
the right & natural thing
for you to live
had it not been God’s wish for you,
to stay here with us & fight
I can imagine
how this would be
something u don’t want
& have no interest in
but i’m saying
isn’t it sensible
to take to heart
that maybe
“God knows best”
or that at least
“God knows more”
than you & i
i’m not trying to
“force” anything upon you
I don’t have that right
& I don’t even believe
that I can
I know that u’r not asking for help
& that
saving is something
u, so strongly, don’t want
& so no matter
how much i want to help
& how much my heart
bleeds out for this sadness
u’r currently in
& no matter
how much I wish
I had the power
to make you see things
& think about things
differently
i’m in
the natural position
where i’m forced
to respect ur wishes
& ur decisions
about ur own life
It breaks my heart
that this is the case
but there’s nothing
i can do
more than to simply
& kindly ask you
to, maybe, consider
“accepting to be helped”
to consider, that maybe,
just maybe…
“it’s worth staying”
that maybe
God’s voice
is more than worth
listening to
this is not an order or a demand
as I said
these are two things
I can’t do
it’s a very gentle
& timid request
to take my hand…
u’ll always be free
to let it go
& turn back
to where u were
but i’m only asking u
for one chance
just one chance
try me…
I know I’ll never be good enough or able to
take all the pain & sadness away from you
but I can try to be
the person who tells you
“one thing you can do to make this better…”
or at least “to make this not get worse…”
I’ll accept it
when u’r angry
even if, at me
& I’ll accept it
if u tell me
u’r sick & tired of me
I’ll even accept
if u tell me u give up
&never want to hear from me
yet still I will never give up on you
you will never be
to me
the 2nd, 3rd, 5th or 2975th wheel
to start with
u will never be a “wheel”
to me
u’ll be a companion
& a comrade
someone whom I will
for as long as I stand
always have their back covered
in this battle
we can & will
so fiercely fight
If you agree to let me try…
I’ll be the happiest person
to sleep tonight
& the happiest person
to wake up every day
If you don’t agree
then
like I said before
there’s nothing I can do
but to sadly
& with a heavy, moaning heart
tell u that
I do truly wish you
a safe way out,
other than death or self harm,
no matter how much you believe
that this exit does not exist
& I do truly wish you a happy life
no matter how much you believe
that this wish is not possible
or was never there to begin with
That’s all I have for now
& I guess after writing u all this
it’s pointless to say
that I hold for you
in my heart
so much love
so much hope
& so many prayers
tc
& by the way,
I do care
I really appreciate you saying that.
I am a religious person and I WISH it would be easier to trust that God is laying out a path in front of me, but it’s the hardest thing to do. But, He knows that. Some days I trust in him and am grateful for the things that I’ve experienced since my attempts that I never would have experienced if I succeeded, but some days it seems like He’s just giving me the silent treatment, or trying to teach me a lesson.
I’m glad that you are religious
& I believe that this is always the best starting point
to get out of any hardship in life
I’m not christian
but I do believe in, respect & even love Jesus & Mariam
more than anyone could imagine
it’s an essential part of my religion
to respect & love them all that much
I haven’t studied Christianity
but I believe that
regardless of how we both might view “Jesus” differently
my of view of “God”
“the most merciful”
“the most compassionate”
“the most generous”
“the most wise”
“the all knowing”
“the all mighty”
coincides with or, at least, comes close to
your view of “God”
“the Father”
Again I say
I can “relate”
to how I too
wish it would be easier
to trust that God is laying out a path or a plan
in front of me,
in front of you
& in front of others
& I can “relate”
to how
it’s so hard
or even “the hardest thing”
to do
& yes
the way I believe in Him
makes me more than sure
that, as you say,
He must know that
He must know
that we are struggling here
so hard
sometimes to merely just accept
His own wisdom & judgement
that we have to live on, yet another day
He must know
that we are so hurt,
suffering so much
& in so much pain
that we just want
& feel so tempted
or even “driven”
to find & follow
the easiest way out
He must know all that
but can it not be
a reassurance
that since He knows
then there must be a reason
why we’r all not gone yet
can it not be
something to hold on to
a reason to stay
rather than be
something to despise
or a reason to give up & let go
?
I’m glad
& even happy for you
that you have experienced
some days
of trust
& gratitude
I’m happy that your mind
could come to the conclusion
that these things that God planned for you
& for which you feel grateful
would never have come to you
had you gone through
with your own plan
& so I say
isn’t it logical
to assume
that just like these things
you felt grateful for
came to you
isn’t it logical to assume,
that other similar things are planned & bound to come to you too
?
& isn’t it, at least possible
that these things that are yet to come
might be even better
than anything that ever came before
?
I can “imagine”
that right now
you probably feel uninterested
& uncaring to know
but I can also “imagine”
that this is exactly how you felt
before each of your attempts
& yet this lack of care
did not make you feel ungrateful
or unmoved
when these things later came to you…
am I correct in imagining so?
if I am
isn’t it sensible to assume
that this same cycle
of first, disinterest
then, gratitude
could be repeated again & again
& that at some point,
gratitude will slightly or strongly prevail
that you will find yourself curious
as to what surprises the coming days hold for you
?
Yes it’s true
sometimes God is silent
I say
talk to him
& keep on talking
day by day
talk till you can talk no more
He will listen to you
& today or tomorrow
He must reply
It’s His character to
He wouldn’t just leave you
You just need to trust
that there’s a reason
for the silence
& that soon
you will hear that voice you heard before
“to teach me a lesson”,
yes perhaps
I’d say
“Patience”
I could argue
that it’s the greatest & best quality
that a man or a young lady like you
could possibly have
so maybe he wants to teach that to you…
Do you know
that in my religion
it’s mentioned so many time
how prophets & messengers,
those closest people to God,
also got that “silence” from time to time
sometimes during some really troublesome & painful times
it was “Patience” & “constant prayer” that saved them
it helped them wait
& they would never have learned it
had they not been exposed
to that “silence” you sometimes feel
I think in Christianity
I could say “the Apostles”
went through exactly the same
& I can “relate”
to how this is difficult to ask of you
& this is why I’m offering you
to take my hand
& I”m offering this
in the most gentle & timid way
with no pushing & no force
I wish to try to help you,
if you let me to,
get through those times when you feel there’s no hope
—
I know that was a lot to read
& I’m sorry if it’s too much for you
but it’s not just rhetoric
I truly am speaking from my heart here
& I just pray & hope that the my words could find a way to yours
if they do,
I’ll sleep well tonight
& every coming night
& I’ll wake up happy today
& every other day
if they don’t
then I can only pray & hope
that on that day you plan to come
[may it never do so]
your mind would remember
that,
perhaps,
not more
& not even equal to,
but similar to
your mom’s, your sister’s & your friend[s]’
care & love for you
a stranger here cares for & loves you too
& is willing to do all they can do to be there for you
& to help you find & see another way
other than the one you see
on that day
in front of you
I love you
Geez, too many big words. I’m stupid AF today. But, yes, when I saw the things and done the things I never would have experienced if I had killed myself, I was grateful AT THAT MOMENT that I was alive. I must have a purpose here because I’ve cheated death 4 times, the first when I was the weakest little baby, the first day of the my life. I was NOT supposed to live. I stopped breathing about 9 times. And of course, you know about the pills, more pills, and knife attempts. It’s just so hard to remember how grateful I am in happy moments when it seems like I’m suffocating in my sadness.
For some reason,
the baby situation you mention reminds of the the baby turtle you saved… <3
When I'm REALLY emotional / passionate about something
my writing / speech comes closer & closer to poetry [of some sort]
I can't help it
I think your posts really touched my heart
that's why the big words
honey, could we not, at least, "try" to stop that sadness…?
I'm willing to do everything I can to help you with this
& by the way, I know you probably won’t like me saying that…
but I’m glad & thankful you lived…
<3
The only things that lessen the pain of my sadness is EATING, watching good movies, listening to certain types of music, photography, and drawing/crafty stuff.
And writing. I’ve been told all my life that I’m a good writer. I don’t believe that, but I still love it. I express myself 1000% better through written/typed words on a piece of paper than words coming off of my tongue.
I’ve started a couple novels, but each one of them are BARELY started. I never finish anything. The only thing I haven’t quit is soccer (which I was forcefully taken away from by an injury :_( My dream was to become on the US Women’s soccer team) and life, and loving my family, and high school.
Dammit, I keep writing everything else than what I want. You ever do that, too? Anyway, I like POETRY too. I’ve ONLY written 23 poems 🙁
I just wrote this right now for this comment. I actually sort of like it.
I am sad
I’ll admit
But I promise
I won’t quit
God loves me
more than I’ll ever know
That’s why after it rains
He paints me a rainbow
Stars can’t shine
without a little darkness
And I can’t be happy
without a little sadness
I’m so glad to know that there ARE things you like to do 😀
& they’re a lot
That’s really great ! 🙂
Can you imagine how
filling up your day, every day, with these things
would affect you?
I’m sure that, at the least,
you won’t be any worse than how you are now…
but I’m willing to bet u’ll be far much better
All you need is to write down a daily routine / plan & stick to it
Go on Repeat
& if bored, Go on Shuffle 😀
or take a break for a couple of days,
then start again
Yes, definitely I would agree
I think you’re a very good writer
[& poet too [& u said what…ONLY 23 POEMS… r u kidding me? 😀 ]
it shows very well in all ur posts & even in ur comments
I share with u that trait: I usually write much better than I speak 🙂
I think that’s very very common, we all start things we don’t finish…
but I think that’s better than not starting anything at all… right?
At least you HAVE something to finish 🙂
I myself have an unfinished novel too 😀
it’s been there for like 5 years or so
to the point that I don’t even remember where the file is [one of my hard drives I think]
& yet still I think about what’s the coming chapter gonna be about 😀
how about we both put “finishing the novel” as a task on both our daily schedules
& see who’s novel gets done first 🙂
?
I’m sorry to hear about soccer,
I read about it before in one of your posts…
but honey believe me,
you could have gotten far more serious injuries had you stayed…
again
[& I know this is becoming very cliche in this conversation
but what can I do…
it’s how life is]
If it happened [what ever IT is],
do your best to believe that it was for your own good / benefit…
I know that’s really really hard
not just sometimes
most of the time
but it’s doable
& the more you do it & reassure yourself about it
the easier it becomes
I used to play Basketball 🙂
Was in a team & everything
Best days of my life
but then came college
& I had to let it go
because there was no time at all
to study & train/play at the same time
I’m just trying to say
it’s okay
sports is definitely important
but it’s not everything
& it doesn’t define you in anyway
—
As you can see above,
I get carried away
too much
too often
too
probably more than you ever do
[wait a sec, did I just rhyme here 😀 ]
I love love your poem
May I respond 🙂
My dearest most dear You
It’s indescribable
how much those words u wrote give me relief
Honey, I know there’s sadness & I know there’s grief
I’m only asking you to firmly hold on to your belief
That God is kind & most loving & generous towards you
If you could keep the pain aside
keep yourself always busy
& focus on those many things you like to do
I too promise you
that “giving up” will slowly & gradually be
less & less tempting to you
& I promise you I’ll do my out-most best to be,
for as long as & whenever u need me,
here for you
I finally wish to say
out of care & love,
not out of dominance or role-play
To your promise
I’m holding you
& I think God would lovingly
join me in this holding too
I love you soooo much
& I can’t help but do so
<3 <3 <3
I will try to keep myself busy on the things I like to do. God is good. Today after church I was helping my mom wash the little communion glasses and I cut my finger on a broken glass. It was really sharp and if I put my hand down faster or at a slightly different angle, it could have been a really bad cut. It was barely under the skin. Not a whole ton of blood.
really happy to be reading this <3 <3 <3
& sorry to hear about that incident but sure am glad it wasn't a bad cut
May your finger heal very soon
tc
& i'm sitting here hoping to hear about ur first day at work
🙂
Also, I just got on here for the first time since I wrote that comment before yours. I wasn’t ignoring you.
I thought, maybe I pushed too much… 🙁
Really glad to be reading this from you though 🙂