I feel like everything is working against me right now. I feel very tied down, and I want to run away. I have responsibilities, and I have a path planned for my future, and I have goals I need to achieve to reach that future. But they aren’t what I want to do. They don’t make me happy. They don’t bring me satisfaction. I like writing — a lot. I like writing stories about people who would literally be considered my alter ego. If I could sit and write all day, every day, for hours and hours on end, there is no doubt in my mind that I would. I also like making art. I like singing songs and posting the covers I make on my soundcloud, and I like staying in the comfort of my own home. Next year will be my last year of high school. I’m actually looking forward to Uni much more than anything, as I’ll be able to major in something I like. But in just a few weeks I’m moving states, and transferring high schools for my last year.
I guess you could say I’m conflicted. I have extremely bad social anxiety, and it’s already difficult enough to fit in, since I don’t really prefer the company of others unless I’m really, really close to that person. I was shunned and bullied a lot in recent years, as well as middle school (typical, I know), but I feel like if I allow myself to do what I want to do, and invest more in my hobbies, I’ll be seen in that same light again. I want to fit in. Very badly. Just for this last year, I want to be so extroverted that no one can say anything at all about how much I keep to myself.
But at the same time, I don’t. Not really. Not at all, actually. I want to do what makes me happy, and I want to write, and draw, and sing, and do all of the things I usually do, instead of conforming to what teenagers I’ve met normally do all day. And whenever I pick up my pencil to start sketching, or I go to word to start typing more of my story, I immediately stop, and tell myself that doing these things won’t benefit me in this last school year. But it hurts, it’s really painful. I understand that no one is forcing me to give up what I like, and that I shouldn’t pay attention to those who scrutinize me for doing so, but I get so anxious when I think of the comments someone is just bound to make. It’s hard not to care about what other people think, you know?
I want to be liked, but I also don’t want to force myself to do something I don’t like. And so instead of choosing, I’d rather just run away from it all. The last time I tried to do that, my mom called me vain, and selfish, and declared that I have issues in the middle of the night, in the forest, after finding me. Well of course I do. I just am so done. I want to be done. I can’t see myself in the future, it’s even strange to think about. At forty years old, how am I going to be living? There honestly is nothing so great about life. I didn’t choose to be born, I didn’t have a choice. But now I’m stuck here, and it’s ridiculous to me how simply wanting to not be alive anymore is so looked down upon. It’s just so frustrating.
2 comments
Are you sure it’s that what you want to do because if you didn’t wanna do any of that, there would be no future plannings. You’re also looking forward for university. Wait before you are exhausted to no return.. because sometimes for some people life is hilarious.. after some years or 9 – 10 months you’ll find yourself saying life is better than death FOR ME. Death is not always the best thing out there, if you still have university and opportunity and optimism left I say row the boat till you feel it’s sinking. Don’t die because death is good, die when you desperately want to.. and have no zest or life left in you or else you’ll linger in this atmosphere without dying for 10 years with a depressed demeanor because inside you still want to find hope. If you have wishes left and you want to fulfill them death is a bad choice for now. There are richest writers out there and if you read their stories on how they started you’ll find similarities with yourself. Such a passion you must not let it die just like that. Write and self publish. Also take arts lessons there are universities that only specialises in art (there has to be a valuable reason behind it) the ones who drop the mainstream road and find beauty in their difference to the world are the ones who go their own paths of happiness and satisfaction (that’s what you seek).
You remind me a lot of my 13 year old self. At that age I also wanted so badly to be accepted. Then I didn’t, but popularity found me by itself at 15.
At 17 I also looked forward to uni, because I also believed I would be able to focus on the things I really like. But I was forced to study something I hate.
So here I am, 19 and pretending to be attending uni when I just skip time. But I am able to do the things I love, and that’s good. Of course it can’t last forever, but it was nice while it lasted.
So good luck! I hope you study something you like, I hope nobody stands in your way.