That’s the only way I should be moving. I’m tired of taking one step forward and two steps back. I’ll admit I’m terrified by where my path is currently leading me, though.
Starting on the 17th of this month I’m going to be in a Partial Hospitalization Program. I’ve hidden every problem I’ve had since I was 12 and finally I came clean to the therapists today and she couldn’t believe that I’d been through that much and tried to cope by myself. Apparently, it’s not good for an 18-year-old to go through that much trauma, be suicidal, and be unmedicated with PTSD, manic-depression, and severe anxiety. She also believes that the way it’s been brushed under the rug may have caused it to fester like a sore that’s been left untreated and that’s why it’s so debilitating.
My family, whom I live with as I cannot get a job due not only to my mental health but physical health too, is not taking this news well. My mother threw a fit that would make a two-year-old look like a walk in the park. She thinks I’m doing this to spite her, that I want to be hospitalized completely but what I’m trying to do now is recover from years of abuse, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts/attempts that she blatantly ignored. As an adult, I’ve chosen to put myself first and this is the first step to getting my life on the right track. I’m tired and I’ve been broken down but it’s time for me to move forward… When I leave this chapter behind, whether my family comes with me or not, I know it will only hurt a bit.
I love you guys, I don’t know you but I love you. Sometimes I think it’s sad that I only share these things online but there are real people behind these screens. Real people going through real things and we’re not shouting into the void here.
13 comments
It sounds like this could be a critical turning point in your life. You are very brave to to this, and it may be the best decision you ever made. Best of luck to you!!!!!
Thank you! I hope it is.
Yes, you been though a lot. Going to a hospitalization program at 18, whew, that’s younger than me. I didn’t go until I was 23 years old. Good luck. Sometimes, you have to leave the toxic people.
Technically they wanted me in it at 14 and 15 but my parents sent me away to live with a family member to hide me because they thought I was being “overdramatic.” so it’s 3-4 years later and I think it’s about time.
“When I leave this chapter behind, whether my family comes with me or not, I know it will only hurt a bit.”
This is a lot for you to have to deal with. I have to agree with both you (see above quote) and Blue Diamond. Toxic people/situations sometimes have to be left behind. There’s a lot of clichéd reasons to not separate from family, but I wonder why I don’t feel guilty about having parted ways with mine. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
I’ve been avoiding my family, they make me feel unwanted/unwelcome anyway. I’m hoping to move far away from them honestly. It’s been years that I’ve begged my parents to not let the people who have hurt me around and every time they ignored me. I’m an adult, so it’s all left on my shoulders now to do what they couldn’t.
I wish you goodluck on this. There was a time that i really wanted some kind of rehab for myself. I longed for it so badly, around people who understood, people who could help. I wrote quite a few stories about the idea and a few books. (veronika decides to die) is a good one.
But i could never tell my parents in the end. So i sat alone and suffered in silence, coming to sites like this for my “rehab”. It’s as close as i could get.
But you are 18 now. You’re free to go whereever you want, whenever. I’m excited for you, i have a feeling things are going to be getting better now 🙂 Soon, you’ll leave the house and this life will truly be yours
I didn’t think I could tell them earlier, honestly. I knew it’d cause a complete war in my house. My mom keeps saying all these ridiculous things and trying to guilt me out of going because it’s “embarrassing” to have a daughter who is in PHP. I was harsh, but I told her it’d probably be more embarrassing for her to have a dead daughter if I kept going untreated… It made her stop arguing with me… but I feel bad.
I hope everything works out well. We all have suicidal ideation here, but I am still hopeful that every single one of us, no matter what we’ve been through, can have a better life. It won’t be easy, but I do think it can be done. It’s so awesome that you seem to know this for yourself.
I hope we all can too. I didn’t think it’d get better for a while, but as I grew up I realized there’s a lot more than the abuse of my home out there. I haven’t been able to properly keep a job so my plan of moving out at 17 wasn’t able to happen, so hopefully soon.
That’s awesome!
Hey you’re heading in the right direction man. This was your choice so follow through. Isn’t it crazy how even our family members can become the naysayers. I would know because I’ve gone through this too. My parents thought my 1 year break from school was a big mistake after I graduated HS but boy were they wrong. I went from super hermit/socially awkward to almost completely normal in just 1 year working as a cashier at a grocery store. All it takes is that first step and you have just taken your first step towards recovery. Its all about being honest with yourself. No one can know you better than yourself so don’t let people tell you how to live your life. You know what works for you and what doesn’t so let it be known that you’re confident in your decision. Often times our gut feeling isn’t lying. Oh and once you get through this something else will come up. To each his own but whatever it is you gotta stay atrong. Life will always be full of conflict and it never gets easier so you have to step up to the plate and become stronger.
I’m really impressed that you have the personal fortitude to take a bold step for your personal growth and healing. Your mom may be concerned about your facing your issues, bring her own to light.
Remember, it’s a process. If the medication protocol is too difficult, it can be modified.
Good luck to you, putting your childhood traumas behind you, you deserve a good start to your adulthood.