I’ve never shared any of these thoughts before. I’m not sure why I’m doing it now, I don’t expect anyone to understand or be interested in anything I’ve got to say. I guess sometimes it’s just good to have said something at all… So my apologies for this probably boring post.
I’m 21 and I want to die so badly I ask god or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever might or might not be “up there” to make me die in an accident almost every day.
I feel so in incredibly alone that I can’t take it anymore. I have been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for almost four years. Hitting, kicking, choking, threatening with knives, or even a broken nose where the sweet price for loving someone so much it was like a disease.
After I finally managed to leave, which I was incredibly proud of, I was shamed for it by friends and family because they don’t know about the abuse.
When I couldn’t take it anymore I told my best friends about it and they were so awkward about it… it makes me cringe just thinking about it. Basically they said they were suspecting that something like that was going on but they decided it was easier to not say anything, to not help me, to ignore all about it. I guess I can understand, it would have been selfish to make my problem theirs.
I’m still asking myself so often why didn’t they help me? Do they think I deserved that? Maybe I deserved that.
I think I deserved that.
8 comments
It’s just a natural human reaction to remain neutral in many situations like this, for fear of not knowing what is and isn’t an appropriate response. It doesn’t mean you deserved any of the cruel things you spoke of, by any means. It just is how we are, even when a friend is involved. Occasionally, a special person will instinctively know that involvement is required and will step in, but you can’t always count on that.
I’ve countless times asked the spaghetti monster for a life ending accident, and, well, here I sit. I saw a cute bumper sticker recently: “The more you complain, the longer spaghetti monster let’s you live.” It actually said “god”, but I like the way you speak of him, and sometimes the truth of that sticker really hits home. Perhaps asking to live a long, productive, meaningful life is a better option.
All kidding aside, just wanted to let you know I read your post.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. 🙂
It’s good somehow that somebody -anybody, really- knows about all of this.
I’m not blaming my friends for their reaction. I know they probably just don’t know how to behave.
But after I’ve told them I just would have loved to at least be hugged once and be told just once “this wasn’t your fault”. Instead I feel even more that it was indeed my fault. And because I am a failure I didn’t deserve any better. And I made it even worse because I involved others and made them uncomfortable with what happened to me.
may I ask why did you tell anyone or ask for help when the abuse was ongoing?
edit: *why didn’t you..?*
Of course you may 🙂
I didn’t want anything bad happening to him.
I loved him and I still do, in a way.
A lot of bad thing have happened to him, too and I didn’t want to make his life any worse.
would it be ok if your friends somehow interfered instead of staying neutral? this is what your post implies, but on the other hand, you believe asking for help would’ve made things for your boyfriend worse. just asking.
You’re right, it sounds and is opposing.
But you have to see it like this: rationally I know this shouldn’t have happened to me. I know my safety would have been more important than him going unpunished. But emotionally I couldn’t ever admit I needed help or that it was not right of him. I couldn’t and can’t feel how I am supposed to feel, I’m just not angry.
I’m sad and I don’t understand why this happened. But I’m not angry.
It may sound selfish to say, but sometimes we need to put ourselves first…
Because in the end we all end up alone