I didn’t get out of Tucker’s until Monday at 5:00 P.M. I asked my psychologist why do men sexually prey on me, and he said it was because I am an easy target. He was honest with me unlike other people I know, and I think I’ll take a doctor’s advice over an average joe’s anytime. I finally got diagnosed with autism. Don’t know why it took them so long to diagnose me, and I do have some ADD, though most people did figured that I had autism before the doctors did. I told the nurse that people tell me that I’m a *****, so she figured that I’m autistic. I had a short fit in the hospital because one of the patient’s story triggered me. The few people had to leave the room for their safety because it’s required in a hospital setting. I have been diagnosed with psychosis. I calmed down very quickly. They tried pushing Haldol on me, accused me of having a hallucination, but in reality I’m just really angry. When my psychologist discharged me, he accused me of threatening him. I told him that if he didn’t discharge me that I would get more depressed. I’m like WTF. If I told him that I was going to hurt him, then I would be threatening him, maybe I should take back my previous statement. You can stay in Tucker’s for only so long, until you go crazy again, though deep down inside if I was deny discharge I would probably start screaming and throwing furniture around. I swear it’s taking more willpower to control myself. Prozac doesn’t work for me anymore, and half the pills they prescribe me my mom doesn’t approve of. My mom doesn’t want me on Ritalin or the lamictal. She’s afraid that the lamictal may cook me from the inside out. I told that a bunch of people would laugh if that happened to me. Oh well, shove as many pills down my throat as you like, it won’t solve anything. My thoughts are just a repeating cycle.
BTW, I need advice. There’s this old man that won’t leave me alone. I blocked his number, but apparently he got a new one to bother me. I finally answered and told him to stop calling. Of course, he was asking to get a word in, but wouldn’t let him because if I did then I would be enabling him. Kept repeating to stop calling me over and over again, that I would get the police and my family involved if he didn’t stop. He said that he was sorry, then hung up. I felt proud for standing up for myself, but I have a feeling he won’t leave me alone. I wish I never met him. He was a huge mistake. Man, did I do some stupid things when I was young. Yes, he’s trying to get me to be his side chick. He wants to be my friend, my ass.
6 comments
“Oh well, shove as many pills down my throat as you like, it won’t solve anything.”
it certainly won’t but il will give them the feeling that they’ve attended to the problem.
They can feel like they did the best they could. it’s about their own conscience.
When you stuggle and are in pain, nobody wants to deal with it because that implies at least partially feeling your pain in order to attempt to understand it. But hey…that’s too much to ask
I’m too messed up to be fixed. My problems can only be fixed if someone could wave a magic wand and turn me into really talented person that the world would actually have value for.
The best thing about being broken is you can be fixed. Suicied is not fun I tried to slit my wrist open last night. It was so painless I laughed at the factor of death. Don’t shove pills, it won’t help.
The autism is another thing you still are person. A person is a person no matter how small. People may judge you on what you do or what you look like. Don’t listen to them only you chose what you do.
There are lots of talented actors, singers, artists, mathematicians, economists who are also depressed af. Having talent that society deems “valuable” is not a cure-all panacea. Shit- some of the most talented people are the most messed up.
I think I have some autistic traits. I know I seek validation from others a lot, and it sounds to me like maybe you do too?
You have these men bugging you, but I also detect a hint of pride that they want you?
I’ve tried plugging the void inside me with people I did not love, but who liked me. It didn’t work.
If you’re settling all the time, you’re not taking yourself seriously.
How do you know that these men have pride in getting me? There is nothing that these men can gain from having me. They do not want a serious relationship with me, nor do they even treat me like a prize. I am nothing but weak prey to them, and people have admitted it. What do you mean by settling?