My life has been such an emotional roller coaster the last couple of years. It’s exhausting. And now it seems like it has become a cycle I have no control over. I can pretend to be fine for a week – even tricking myself – but then I crash against the brick wall of reality.
I know this “relationship” I seem to have found myself in isn’t real, won’t last. He’s infatuated like an adolescent, but once the novelty wears off, he will get tired of me or sick of me or both, and I’ll be alone again. I dread that day, but at the same time, knowing it’s inevitable, I kind of just wish it would hurry up and happen. I want to get it over with so I can stop this stupid “maybe there’s a chance it’ll work” bullshit I keep telling myself.
I am still trapped in Her house, still with no confirmation I’ll be able to move out in August. I curl up in my chair while she blusters around. I try to be invisible, I wish with all my being that I could just stop existing. I’m hungry but I can’t go to the kitchen for food – drawing would help me cope but I can’t go to the kitchen for my art supplies, which I stupidly left out there – because she’d see I’ve been crying and peck at me and make me feel even worse. And I’m too raw, I can’t handle that. So I just curl up and stare at the wall of my “cave” and mentally check out.
My physical health isn’t getting better. The stress just makes it worse. Nothing is getting better, though it occasionally seems like it is (more mirages). I feel like I’m dangling over an abyss, and Someone’s about to cut the thin thread that holds me. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I have no power over my life at all, everything is in someone else’s hands. It’s like my life is sand slipping through my fingers and all I can do is watch, waiting for that final grain to disappear. My life has been on hold for so long, waiting for it to get better but only watching it get worse, like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Like that Sarah McLachlan lyric, “You spend all your life waiting for that second chance, for the break that would make it okay.” But that break is not coming.
The only break happening is in me. I’m breaking more and more with each of these cycles. Losing pieces of myself that I will never get back. Even if I miraculously do get that confirmation, it will be too late. I’ll be nothing but shreds by August. It’s like being on the rack and someone saying they’ll save you from it – next week. Sure, feel free to pull my remains from it then…