I am so tired of living.
So tired of being a burden to everyone I know.
I’ve grown up in a large town, with a loving family and a few friends. I’ve never been the popular one or someone others have envied. That’s probably because of all my flaws and how much of a failure I am.
I’ve tried many sports in my time, hoping I was athletic and could be like the girls who were. However, when I played basketball the most I would ever be in for a game was 2 minutes, or none at all because the coach knew I sucked, and I realized it as well. Soccer and tennis I wasn’t good at either. I eventually gave up on trying to play sports and that was probably better for me and also for the teams I played for.
I immersed myself in art, and I’ve gotten pretty ok at it. However, I’m never proud of my work and neither is anyone around me.
I’m really ugly and I’m “skinny fat” which I’ve never been able to shake no matter how much I’ve worked out or tried to eat right. I tried to starve myself, but I was too fucking weak and didn’t lose more than a pound before bingeing and gaining it back.
I only have a few friends and I always see pictures of them hanging out without me. I’m sure they only pretend to like me to be nice. It’s ok, I wouldn’t like me either.
Also, I feel like such a burden to my family because of all my fucking problems. I have an issue where I have trouble swallowing, so I have to go see a specialist for that. I have sleep anxiety so I also have special medication and therapy for that. I have IBS which is really ruining my life and makes me feel fucking disgusting and wortheless and I’ve tried so many medications and nothing has worked to heal it. And now they have to pay for behavioral therapy for me because I can’t fucking deal with life anymore.
Honestly I don’t see any potential for me in life. I’m too stupid, dumb, worthless, disgusting, selfish, and just an overall fucking horrible human being.
I want to kill myself but I’m too much of a ***** and I don’t want to hurt my parents, although they should realize that they should be happy without me around since I’m a burden.
I wish I was never born or could just disappear and cease to exist….
life sucks and so do I
2 comments
I read this and just had to respond. I relate to so much of what you’re saying.
I think what is most important is that you do what makes YOU happy and what YOU are passionate about. It doesn’t have to be a competition. I’m also hard on myself so whenever I write something I judge myself and think it’s not good, but honestly I don’t do it to get to praise. It’s just an outlet. I completely understand wanting to be good at something though. I don’t feel like I’m good at anything which makes me feel worthless a lot of the time. Especially when I try as hard as I can get myself to in school and still get shit grades, sometimes.
I also feel like all of my “friends” hang out without me all the time. I don’t have a big enough voice to 1 call them out about it or 2 invite myself. Maybe it is dramatic to call it this, but I think that social media is a big trigger for me. I get on there and my mood just instantly plummets bc I see all the people who are in my life hanging out together and having a blast and posting about how amazing life is right now. Every. Single. Time. I haven’t been on much in the past week and I think it’s helped, because I can’t be hurt about them doing things without me or living up life while I’m not if I don’t constantly see it.
About your health conditions, I don’t believe they view it is a burden on them. Sure, it may be difficult sometimes, but seeing you alive and well makes up for all of it.
There’s not one day (even on my okay days) where I don’t wish I never existed. But I do and wishing my existence away doesn’t seem to work, unfortunately. It takes so much to end your life. And I constantly wonder why if I don’t want to be here, I can’t just do it. And it’s because there’s something keeping me here, even I’m blind to it most days. Life is full of so many ups and downs and is constantly changing. I used to think that I would never have the strength or confidence to do most of the things that I have done, but I just needed to experience more of life and be patient. I definitely still feel very insignificant to others, because I have such low confidence and I am realizing that loving oneself is really really hard to do.
I don’t know if anything I said will help in any way, but I just really related to what you shared and wanted you to know you’re not alone in your thoughts and that you are important. And thank you for sharing and making me remember that I’m not alone in my thoughts. I wholeheartedly hope that things start to get better for you.
One last thing, I don’t know if you are in to motivational words and quotes and things like that (some people find it it to just be cheesy), but there is this site where you can sign up for daily messages called Shine Texts. You put in something about yourself that you want to work on and automatically receive texts relating to it each day. It’s so on point some days that I can’t believe it. It doesn’t make everything better, but “it’s the little things”. Just wanted to share if you might be interested.
Thank you so much for the response. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, but I really really hope that things get better for you. It sucks to feel this way and I would never wish it upon anyone else. Thank you very much for the kind words and I will sign up for the text message thing, thank you for telling me about it : ) again, thank you for the response !!