Hello depression, long time no seen

Hi there,
Do you know that feeling when you so stressed you want to kill yourself but same time you don’t? When you feel everything and the opposite? It s kind of what’s happening to me this 4 last week of my wonderful life. I had an internship and people out so much pressure on me that though I finished it yesterday it is currently 5 am in my country and I woke up with a panic attack and suicidal thoughts. I almost wanted to laugh, too much irony there, I mean two months ago I was like ” everything is so much better in my life, I m so glad I overcame depression” . And then I learned that for TWO fucking subjects that I didn’t succeed out of more or less thirty I couldn’t go in my third year of college and same time the boss in the company I was working in told me I was immature, not confident and not good in my job. I m just so very tired not being able to cope with my life and being a loser , I guess I think you can call it a burn out. I just call it general fuck up