For as long as I can remember, death has always been a comforting friend who’s wathful gaze I could turn to, as I came across dead end after dead end; each one seeming more final than the last. Yet along with all of that I’ve ever done my best to advance as a person, and know myself.
So when I spend an entire summer being denigrated, gaslit, and attacked and emotionally abused by my family all the negativity doesn’t turn to self loathing anymore. And my passive desire to die, twists into one to exact revenge against those who abused me and never once tried to understand what I was really going through, let alone by them. Who taught me what a blind rage was when I couldn’t take it anymore. Who showed me that there are limits to even my lifelong pacifism.
But I still want to die. Things always keep getting worse and next thing I know I’m being thrown out for a practically involuntary response to constant abuse when I have done everything I can to stay sane.
I just don’t want this torment anymore. And I never want to hurt anyone. So if people really want me gone so much they’d do all this, then I should do us all a favour right? My own death is better than that of others.
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2 comments
My own death is better than others. I like that.
Yeah, I don’t know how to help you. I’m sorry you want to die. I want to die too but as a last resort. My first priority is escaping my circumstances and if I can’t do that then I may as well die. I hate what goes on around me. I need to be alone with just myself for the rest of my life. The worst possible thing for me are these strangers.
After being blamed for everything that goes on around me, and just being me really I do want someone else’s death on my record, even if they brought me to breaking point.
And that’s good. It means you do have things to do and places to go – a lifeline and things to hope for and very importantly: meaning you ascribe to yourself and your life even just by wanting a better environment for yourself – on your terms (I want to be alone too. I’m happiest on my own, and can keep away from the people who harm me of course). I support your wishes to die but I wish you the best in life 🙂
I’m just exhausted from dead end after dead end. So it’s fine if people (or you) don’t know what to do.. I’ve been trying long enough to know when it’s time to give in, if only dying was not so difficult for me to do.