Right now I’m sitting alone at a table away from a group of families. I’m the only single mom in this group of 30 families. 5 months ago I told the man I loved I couldn’t take any more and we broke up. He’s still the only one that I want, but he never wanted me. I don’t know why he kept me around for 3 years when he was cheating in one way or another the entire time. And when he wasn’t cheating he was mean. He withheld affection, he constantly questioned everything I did, and screamed about everything.
Why would I be in love with someone who obviously hates me? Why can’t I stop wanting him? He was never there for me when I needed someone. He wasn’t “fatherly” to my child…and yet I spend days crying and laying in bed wishing to die.
Right after I moved out I had an episode that lead me to numerous doctors. I was always there for him, for all of his doctors appointments no matter how trivial…but I’ve spent 4 months being poked and prodded and passed from specialist to specialist alone. I feel like I’m always doing everything alone.
I homeschool and right now we’re at a beginning of year family meet & greet event. And I’m the only single mom. I’m the only one who doesn’t attend church. My son is pretty good about being friends with all the kids, but we don’t see them outside of our homeschool group events. Because we don’t attend church.
I just want to be done with it all. But if I’m gone, then my son is alone.
I can’t stand the thought of him going into foster care, and all of his other remaining relatives are unfit for various reasons and aren’t part of our lives now.
He’s kept me going for years. But now, I’m tired. I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of loving people who hate me. I’m tired of doing everything alone. I don’t feel like I can go any further.
I’m trying to find the bright side. I’m trying to find the energy to get out of bed. To make plans for the future. To put one foot in front of the other.
But every day I wish that I could just die. Every day I wish I didn’t wake up.
Every time I think of something I want to do, I immediately am sad that I’ll be doing it alone.
I had one friend, one go to person…she’s moving out of state in 2 weeks. Good for her. But I’m struggling with being really alone.
The only thing that I *want* to do for the last week, is browse this website and related subreddits. So I thought…maybe I’ll start blogging here, and see if I can pull myself out of this.
5 comments
You have to live for your child
Is moving to a new town/city an option? Maybe living in an area where you feel you’re an outsider isn’t helping. Being a single amongst the couples can increase the feelings of isolation/loneliness.
There may be other single mother’s in the area in the same situation as yourself. Perhaps check that out when you feel able to?
We actually just moved out of the country into a city. Everything is so close now, and I use to love living in the city… I just don’t love anything anymore. I want to! I wish I did.
My ex and I had bought our dream house. Literally checked of everything on my dream house drawings when I was little. But the moment we got to move in, he changed. It was so clear he hated me and didn’t want to share *his* house with me. We lived there for 10 months together. I felt so unwelcome the whole time. But now my new place doesn’t feel like home. I want to go home but I don’t even know where that is anymore.
I have looked for other single moms, but I haven’t found any I connect with. Generally, I find it’s hard to connect with single parents. And as an adult, I honestly find it hard to make new friends. I thought about taking some kind of classes, but the financials are currently cost prohibitive. I have thousands in medical bills that insurance didn’t cover that I need to catch up with before I can commit to an entertainment budget.
I’m all ears for ideas. Just right now, everything seems dull and not worth getting out of bed for.
I do get up and take care of my son. I make meals, take him to Dr appts and speech therapy and his classes…but outside of that…I keep to bed. I just want to feel optimistic again.
I used to find so much joy in planning things. I *loved* a new planner, a new book on strategies…and now I just don’t.
Not knowing where home is must be incredibly difficult and alienating. Do you think it’s because of your break-up? A r/ship split can take an age to process.
Finding someone to connect with is the trick. No point going walking with someone or having a coffee with someone if you have nothing in common with them (except that you both have a child).
Paying off debts does limit your budget. I’m not sure how support groups work where you are but for instance where I live there are community groups in most local areas that offer free drop-in coffee mornings, or depression support groups etc. Ours are generally partially funded so if there is any cost is likely to be a coin based.
Alternatively, are there volunteering opportunities perhaps? I know it’s so hard to get out of bed. It’s the worse time of my day too.
Like you, I used to be a planner. I was generally busy/active. Depression can take all motivation away and breaking the spell of inertia is such a challenge.
You are giving a lot of your energy to your son, naturally,but you need to also look after yourself. Easier said than done I know.
Maybe take a walk around your neighbourhood sometime and see what’s in the area. There may be a local noticeboard offering walking groups or a meet-ups etc.
Have you tried jumping back into the dating world?
Maybe you will meet someone who will make you forget your ex, as it seems he is the root of you depression.