Can’t Move

I can’t get out of bed. And that’s one of the main reasons why i hate myself so, so much.

I hate myself for doing nothing, for being unproductive, for being a worthless failure. I hate myself for being so fat and ugly and not trying to do anything about it.

My whole body feels numb and heavy, and my eyelids droop, yet at night i can never sleep.

Why am i like this? Why can’t i be like the girls at my school who have their lives together; who are on the school teams, have friends and significant others, who have no serious physical ailments, and who are skinny and happy with themselves?  i just want to be someone with motivation who can fix themselves when they are broken because clearly i cannot. Couldn’t I have been anyone other than me? Because as far as i know, im the worst person to ever exist and I do NOT deserve life or love or to even be writing this right now.

I’ve been dealing with depression for so long, i can’t recall a day where i woke up and was happy to be alive. I also can’t recall anytime that i was proud of myself or happy with the way i am.

My family tells me to just get over myself. I can’t. I know i burden them and annoy them they need to disown me and let me jump off a bridge.

people tell me to do something about my life if i’m not happy with it. well im sorry but im too fucking pathetic and unmotivated to even try. i know that sounds rude but its true i literally cant get the motivation to try and “fix” my life and i hate, hate, hate, hate myself for that.

fuck my life