I’ve been a lurker here for quite sometime, I have read so many post, replies and whatnot, that my head is filled with swimming thoughts.
I understand all too well, what has brought you all here…what has brought me here.
Seems, that most of wish to be free from existence, from the pain….we all have reasons why we want to go, some more than others. We all have a reason that life is not as it seems but a form or “HELL”.
With all that in mind, I have a question. All I want is death, all I want is peace, to no longer exist.
About 6 months ago, I tried to take my life with real intent, and in as much, I did. I died, I was gone into a black void. I felt warm and at peace…everything was okay…until…. They got me back. I woke eventually to a hospital room full of tubes, wires and bleeping machines. I was so confused and totally pissed off.
Again I wanted nothing more than to be dead. I breathe death and yet, here I am (was) in ICU, alive. Why am I not dead, I kept asking myself. They pain of being “saved” devastated me. I was dead and happy. I was found blue/gray skin with no heartbeat or respiration.
Now to make the point of this post….
I want to die so badly and yet, I am so numb to emotions that honestly when my mother dies, I would shed no tears. And 3 months, later that is what happen. She did die and we were so close and I felt nothing.
To this day, I feel nothing, other than jealousy that she is gone far from here and I am stuck in this crazy masses called humans.
I don’t want to be here anymore, but it seems, as if I have no choice. I’m scared of failing yet again. (although, I did die)
So, please, help me understand something that I cannot compute. I want to die more than anything and yet; I have hit a bottom of depression that out weighs, living or death. But in that sense, I guess, you could say I was more rock bottom when I tried self deliverance.
I am so far gone in my depression; that killing myself just seems like work, when all I want to do is sleep. I honestly, 100% feel no emotion at all. I am in a dark void of nothingness and while I like it, it won’t give me what I seek right now. I just want to stop existing.
Do any of you feel this way?
I really am ready to die, I am just conflicted.
I have no family anymore, no friends. (my closest friend, now lives in another country far from here and we only communicate these days through email. Time difference is hard.) Mainly due to the fact that before this, I was with a man that was abusive. (Emotionally that is) but it still hurts. When his mask fell down, I saw the hate in his eyes, the gleam of pure joy, all at the same time. I am so confused on far too many levels at this point. And I am sorry if I rambled on, and on, and on, yet again. I just really needed to say that and ask.
I am so depressed that I am emotionally/numb in all ways to do anything, much less kill myself at this moment. I want it so badly and yet, I just do not care. I feel, like I walking down the lane to the “underground” waiting to catch the tube. I barely make it, and spend almost 6 hours on it. Going back and forth, back and forth.
I type this and look over at my large cylinder full of N2. And telling myself, “just do it. Do you really want to spend the next 30 years behind bars at a accident? One in which said person has created.
How can someone get so depressed that even suicide isn’t enough to take the pain away for a bit? I am there. I want nothing more than to die and yet, I am so void of emotion, I just do not care.
Why, is that?
11 comments
To me, it sounds like this is just the way your particular survival instinct is manifesting itself, by robbing you if the desire to put forth the effort to end it. Pretty crafty instinct.
That it is.
I want it so badly, I have everything to end it. I am not afraid of death but yet, I cannot understand completely what is stopping me. (fear of failure maybe?)
At first, I thought I was fighting through it and clear;y for a few years I was. However, I am no longer.
I just want to end that is all.
Problem is, most ppl that feel suicide are in a completely different state of mind, than I am above. I was so completely ready, did the deed and was found, slightly too soon. If I am honest, 2 mins. too soon.
This time I know better.
Again, I am just faced with the dilemma of not wanting to exist to existing only as a mortal shell; with nothing else going on inside.
I feel this everyday: “If I have to keep living like I am, I need to go. If I am feeling the way I am, I just need to go, as well.” Its a constant battle.
I have been in therapy for 7.2 years now. And nothing is working. Not meds, not EFT, not a girlfriend, or partner. I have my Masters in communications and yet there are no jobs for me out there. I am far to over qualified they say.
Then I sit back and think, yep, I am too overly qualified for this world. On soooooo too many levels.
All I can say, is that I am so tired, so very tired and I want nothing than for sleep to come to which I never wake.
Again, totally sorry for rambling.
*of
@Once – Thank you for taking eh time not only to read my post but too bother to comment. It means a lot, again, thank you.
Hi
Having to come back and carry on ‘living’ seems to me to be crushingly difficult. I don’t know that I would feel any differently to the way you do if I was in your shoes.
I’m sorry about your Mum. Grieving can affect everyone differently and combined with depression can be orders of magnitude greater.
The numb void of nothingness is a crippling place to be. Action, small or significant, seems out of the question. Getting out of bed is arduous. Hope is gone. There is only the painful emptiness inside.
It’s a state of being I wouldn’t wish on anyone and if you need to share/vent more, there are many here that will listen to you (including myself).
You are not alone. Really.
Having death snatched from us is can be devastating. It has been over four years since it happened to me and I cannot even go back to the method or work up much enthusiasm for a new one. This phenomena is touched on by philosopher David Hume (1711-1776) just three paragraphs into his essay “On Suicide”. It is an easy google.
Thanks for sharing that. Perhaps living in a religious society/having a religious belief system has an affect on second attempts? There could be multiple other factors involved also – having a family/children/dependents etc.
The religious systems sure get attention on this subject. I am only conversant on Christianity and Judaism and in their oldest texts Old/New Testament and Old Testament respectively, the suicides are mentioned only in a neutral way. Then there are relationships.
I know as I diligently prepared some years ago to exit I had to convince myself that I was of no value to family. With no way to quantify this I could only go with my gut to go and then again with my gut to stay a bit longer all the while knowing that my last breath is going to come someday no matter what.
How do you keep going?
I have died before too. I was completely brain dead for about a week. It was crazy. I don’t understand what this means though can you explain. “Do you really want to spend the next 30 years behind bars at a accident”. ???
Hi there, uptheguff. I’m going to veer a little off topic just because I’m curious about the moments when you were dead. Of course the big question we all wonder is, is there an afterlife? And by your account it seems like there’s just a big nothing.
Maybe that’s at the root of why you seem numb to the idea of dying. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I admit when I picture death, I imagine peace, calm and quiet. These are all concepts that are contrary to the idea of “nothing”. They imply sensation. Interpretation of surroundings. Even a “good” feeling. But the truth is that nothing is NOTHING. You don’t feel calm, you don’t feel relief, you don’t feel anything.
Maybe at some level you were disappointed with death. It didn’t feel “good” like we all hope it will be. It was just a big non-event. So that might explain why there’s no real inspiration for you to die. It’s just a lot of effort for, literally, nothing.