I’m 22 and currently living on my own. My parents are paying my rent right now with the expectation that I will pay them back in the future. I applied for SSI back in March of this year because I tried to commit suicide two times in 2016 and was so messed up by the drugs I was put on from the doctors in the psych wards that I was not able to function at all. I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was 9 years old and many psychiatrists growing up have diagnosed me Bipolar. The last two suicide attempts have been a result from working. I had insomnia one night before work and tried calling out but my boss refused to let me take the day off to sleep so I got so stressed out and got suicidal and another time happened on the job. I’ve recovered since then and got off all those draining meds but now I live in this abyss of fear towards the future. I can’t work because I applied for SSI, but I feel ever more worthless not doing anything with my life, but I fear if I do get a job that I’ll just end right back in the hospital. And those hospitals are terrifying! The staff and doctors don’t care about you at all, and if you refuse the several meds they put you on they physically hurt you. I got so traumatized from my last hospitalization that I couldn’t sleep for months and if I did I got nightmares. It’s either be drugged up or get hurt. One doctor explained to me that they can’t release me until they give me a diagnosis or the insurance won’t pay, I didn’t go there for a diagnosis I went there to feel safe… anyway, i’m broke as ever because of this SSI waiting game and it’s taking forever. I read so many stories of people being denied several times and waiting years to finally get accepted. I feel so guilty because my parents keep having to take care of me and I’m a grown adult for goodness sake, I should be taking care of myself financially. I plan to pay them back plus way more, but how much longer must this go on? I’m so scared to know if I got excepted or not, I plan to fight it but this guilt is killing me. Plus my depression and antisocialness doesn’t make it any better. I live in a trailer on a campspot that my parents bought for me. I can’t find any reason to get out of bed anymore. I can barely eat now too. I’m too scared of people judging me that I hide in my trailer. I’m in my head so much that I can’t even find a reason to be alive anymore. I feel like I’ve dug myself a pretty big hole this time with this SSI crap. I’ve practically ruined any chance of making a future for myself. Just a waste of space. I’ve convinced myself that I’m going to attmpt for good this time if I get denied, I don’t want to be anymore of a burden on my parents as is, I don’t think they can hold me financially for years to come. It would be better if I just stopped existing. I’m trying my hardest not to act out cause my parents have been through enough. If I’m going to do it again I’ll keep it from everyone so I can succeed. I’ve already begun planning it mentally. I know a lot of people find it selfish to commit suicide but I honestly believe I’d be helping my parents out if they no longer have to worry and care for me.
7 comments
People killing themselves because of financial reasons make me so sad… I imagine it must feel like being pushed into a corner where you are forced to act. I’m so sorry… Are there any financial security in your country that you can apply for?
I was able to get myself on foodstamps but it’s just a big waiting game with social security and living with the possibility that I may not even get it, and then that’s a whole couple years I’d have waisted waiting for them to make a decision. It seriously feels like I’m waiting on my death sentance, am I going to die or will I get to live, will I be served a life of misery and debt or will I be given a chance to survive. It’s insanity really.
I have also gotten food stamps but the hours they make you volunteer and job hunt is ridiculous. I’ve had 1.5 months food stamps without the hour requirements. This month I had to get a job coach and do 20 hours a week volunteer and job search. I’ve only done 21 hours and it’s almost the 3rd week. I don’t know what will happen. The first place I volunteered for was a group of a-holes so although I like the store and volunteering there, the employees sucked and I have to find a new place. I probably will get my food stamps taken away after not having any source of income since 2015. I have been denied once for disability, but I don’t know if I was legally denied or if the disability attorney didn’t send in my request to the court. I just need disability so I can save up to move out and buy basic necessities. I’d like to work but have applied for countless jobs with nobody getting in touch with me. I calculated with the amount of time they ask you to volunteer and apply for jobs, you get 1/4 the amount of pay a minimum wage job would make with 20 hours a week. A minimum wage job would be 580$ a month @ 20 hours a week, and food stamps I get 150$ a month @ 20 hours a week. And with a minimum wage job at least you can get other basic necessities like pet food and soap and shampoo/conditioner, deodorant, gas, car payment, etc. so same amount of work, 1/4 less pay and can only spend on food. UGH.
You haven’t ruined your future.
You are only 22, you still have everything ahead.
Try to save some money, do something nice for yourself, dress nicely, go party and live a bit.
It can not be worser, just give it a last try.
I find sexual reproduction to be the most selfish thing a human can do, not suicide.
I’m 22 as well. I’ve been to the mental institute twice. I can’t move out yet and that only further screws with my head. I barely transferred to the university as a junior (online ba though so at least there is room for 2 full-time jobs because I have to get the hell out of here).
I hate relying on them as well. It makes me feel emasculated. I NEED a home where only I live in. I NEED it to be 100% quiet. I just can’t live with people. There is also this other detail that I am not mentioning that makes my life a 100x worse. The thing I NEED to give this life another chance costs like 180k…. in other words, there is no real solution. Like how the hell long will it take me to save that much up? (don’t want to say what that thing I want is now).
Yes, screw employer’s market and low-paying jobs.
Agreed: reproduction is the most selfish thing a human can do.
Keep applying for ssi, they will accept you, it just takes time. Keep it short and simple. Don’t make yourself sound like a desperate case. Just tell them straight up like I cannot function enough to work – don’t need to go on and on and on.