There’s so much wrong with my brain. I know or think that I am smart, but yet look at me, I been approved for disability, can’t hold a job, and still live with my parents. but I might move into a group home. I can attend college, make As, yet I fail at the most simplest things like keeping a low paying job. I’ve been diagnosed with autism, some ADD, psychosis, and major depressive disorder.
Now I’m been told or refer to from previous notes that I have a schizoid personality disorder, which psychosis comes in to play. At first, I was like I don’t have schizophrenia, then I stumbled across the disorder. It has nothing to do with schizophrenia, though you can inherit the disorder if you have family members with schizophrenia. I don’t know any family members. The disorder can occur due to childhood abuse such as neglect or the parents being unresponsive to your needs. Heck, you can get it, if a parent was over attached to you.
This could explain why I feel detached from people. Why I feel so different from others. Why I need the invega shot. I do need therapy.
“People with this condition don’t desire or enjoy close relationships, even with family, and are often seen as loners. They may be emotionally cold and detached.”
Here’s the common symptoms:
social isolation (I socially isolate myself. Was asked why I did that years ago.)
indifferent to praise, (Flies over my head)
lack of close friends, (Goes with the social isolation. Seem to talk to people on-line)
limited range of emotions, (Dunno but this, have a hard time understanding them)
reduced sex drive, or relationship avoidance (Have a low sex drive, probably would went through my life time without sex, if it wasn’t to peer pressure) (A relationship is too much stress)
Be honest, all I ever do is annoy or piss people off most of the time. People lose their patience with me and then end the relationship. Too many people overwhelm me, then I stop talking to most of them. At the same time, I feel lonely. I’m always like why can’t I have a normal relationship? I feel like a failure because I fail at something most people can do. I would like to have kids of my own, but how can I when I’m so screwed up, or can’t form relationships? Soon, my biologically clock will be up. Most schizoids don’t have these feelings of desiring a relationship. Also most people I meet I either end up bored or disappointed with them. People are so flaky these days. I’m going to die alone.
P.S. Thank-you for letting me use this web-site as a journal.
8 comments
Greetings, fellow schizoid. Want to play Zelda on two different consoles, on opposite sides of the room, whilst not talking to one another at all the whole time?
Sure, I need a friend. Is it Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. Don’t have a Wii U or Switch.
You know I’m just sharing the truth I’m unbeknownst to why you cannot hold a job…. but the truth is the diagnosis are utter bullshit, they hold no truth or value, the people that diagnose are dumber than you they are just ordinary stupid fucking people that went into that field for reasons such as to reel in their own power and a fatty paycheck. There is probably nothing wrong with you man, I know stupid people make you feel like shit when they label you with all these illiterate, incompetent terms…. you could come in with nothing but a smile and tell them the sky is blue you’re having a good day and they’d still diagnose you one of their 4 labels and force feed you pills. It’s their only task.
I always figured psych majors took that direction from a perverse desire to understand their own insanity. That’s why my mom minored in psych when she was in school, and she’s really damn crazy, so how much more crazy would one have to be to major in it?
Psychiatry is a major fraud/scam they get you think you are in those categories by plucking out feelings every single person has had so you will pay them…. I’ll tell you invega is not a good drug. Even the people who created this drug were not bright people. Ordinary fucking stupid dudes that wanted to reel in people to pay them with a “happy pill” it’s not a good sector.
Hey BlueDiamond.
Thanks for sharing. I pretty much agree with Username123 on this one: I don’t have a whole lot of faith in psychiatry. Why? Because its drugs don’t solve people’s problems. Sure, they can help people function, but in the long term, the effect is less obvious, and more likely negative.
So that’s my perspective, from what I have experienced myself and read.
The way I see you getting better is to look at life like any other problem: How are you going to “solve” it? There will be some things that are useful to you – tools, in a sense – and some things that are less useful.
While I think it can be very useful to gain an understanding of one’s past and the effects it may have had on one’s present, you should be aware of the fact that when you recall something from memory, your mind “reassembles” the memory. Therefore, memories are altered with recall.
This ties into focus and bias: Your focus matters, and so do your biases. The danger is that if psychiatry gives you a label, or you read up on diagnoses (helpful as that may be), you start to notice everything that is wrong with you. It’s fine to be aware of one’s weaknesses, but weaknesses can be worked on, and this is where the “fixed” and “growth” mindsets come into play.
tl;dr I believe you can change and get better, and the reason I believe it is that I have. I am not “cured”. But I have gone from being waist-deep in psychiatry, doped up on antipsychotics, bitter, angry, and tense, treading water, to taking a little responsibility for my life, dealing with my problems by seeking information and practising ever so slightly. It’s so much more satisfying to feel like you are living YOUR life, and to realise that you are okay the way you are, even if your mind functions differently from the mainstream.
Take care. I think you have so much potential, and you are really smart.
I think the trouble is that people assume human problems can be solved. They can be reformed by a kind of organic process of regrowth, and drugs can help to facilitate that. This is why a lot of people get addicted to very powerful drugs, even knowing full well they’re very addictive prior to starting down that path – the rewards, even temporary ones, are seemingly greater than the risk addiction poses. With heroin, people start off thinking the drug really isn’t that bad – it’s mellow, doesn’t have much of a comedown at first, and really, you could go without it, no problem. Then it becomes a habit, and that cheap, easy endorphin supply is much less work than learning how to interact with other human beings. And who’s to say it’s worse than the alternative? Psychiatric drugs work much the same way, but without the overwhelming and overriding reward. They facilitate, not solve. If you need to cope with other people, and you have to go to work, and you find that you abjectly cannot cope with other people, you could always take meth, get shit done, and be a social butterfly in one fell swoop. Or you could take some psychiatric meds, function alright, and learn better coping strategies in the meantime. Or you could stay home, hide in a closet, and refuse to come out when your landlord comes banging on your door for rent. Life is full of stupid choices.
All I know is I wasted nine precious years of my life taking medication and getting nowhere. It has damaged me, seemingly permanently. I have had to relearn most of the wisdom and maturity I had acquired before I started taking them. But lots of it is just gone.
I find it hard to fall in love. I used to be able to do that. The feelings just don’t develop. I have anger issues. I never used to have that. I let my relationships die. I used to maintain them, invite my friends over for dinner, that kind of thing.
Medication has cost me my personality.
I feel humiliated, but I can’t face taking on the psychiatric system that did this to me when I asked for help. Who cares anyway? It’s not a popular cause.