Well I’ve been spending my night curled in my bed in absolute mental pain balling my fucking eyes out trying NOT to kill myself.
Here’s what happened leading up to this; so I went to a BBQ at a friends place and old coworkers came (I quit the position with all the people who came to the bbq) so they were there. My one friend asked me if I wanted to get high with her. I said yeah sure to have some fun. Now when I’m high… i’m silly and fun to be around. I say dumb shit but I’m not a bad high so… I only ever do it with people i’m comfortable with. And here I was thinking I’d be comfortable. What a fucking joke. They judged and mocked me, even the friend I got high with mocked and made me feel stupid. So my high was now a LOW. My depression definitely got struck by lightning in this case. I was desperate to get out of there. I called my dad for a ride home and left without saying a word to other people except the host. Then I got home and violently cried in my bathroom in the dark. Cut myself. And got into bed with the horrible idea of attempting suicide so I clung to my bed in fear if I moved I would do something I’d regret later.
Then comes the best part. My boyfriend who instantly got mad at me for getting high and our now extreme teeth pulling conversation of one words. Which pisses me off the most because when I’m at rock bottom he’s who I wanted to go to but instead I fought my own battle of not dying. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Bothering other people with my bullshit isn’t what I want. Honestly I’ll probably never tell anyone anything again and keep it to myself. Super healthy yeah? But one thing is for sure. I will never drink or get high with people again because they made it clear that I’m just a burden and a mess of a person. So fucking great.
I love my fucking life.
7 comments
Shit u could me and have your home taken over by some pos with her bf in what used to be my bed and my heart my kitty Toby im at that point where I’m wanting to just end all I don’t care i have nothing anymore the pain is so bad i can’t feel anymore
I feel you
This is sad to hear, I hope you’re recovering. What you described is what I wrestle with so often. I don’t do weed or any drugs at social events, just because I don’t trust any of my ‘friends’. So your experience really played out like my fears. Also my gf has a knack of attacking me whenever I’m in distress, sort of like what it sounds like your bf did. I think it’s a frustration response on their part. They feel powerless or maybe even guilty that they couldn’t help, and it turns to anger which is conveniently directed at the victim. Well, that’s my explanation at least, not that it makes anything easier to handle. I arrived at the same conclusion as you, to keep myself closed, no more letting down my guard. Actually I do have a useful suggestion, maybe if the need is really bad you can open up to strangers. I mean strangers irl… internet interactions don’t cut it for me. But sometimes it’s nice to go to a random quiet bar and have a chat with the bartender or the person drowning their sorrows on the stool next to you. Strangers in distress possess a great degree of empathy, and yet they don’t know you well enough to be rude & judgmental. Just an idea to help you avoid the self injury (which I’m guilty of too).
I really appreciate your comment. You’ve cleared some things up for me. Especially the frustration part. I woke up today and just feel so numb and my boyfriend still seems to not understand. I told him I didn’t want to talk and I was depressed and he keeps pushing me to explain so I did and then he just couldn’t understand. Frustrating to me. I don’t need him to understand I just need him to listen and be there I suppose.
I’m really bad with talking to strangers. I can hardly get a word out honestly. Plus if I drink while depressed… oh that’s never good.
“I don’t need him to understand I just need him to listen and be there I suppose.”
Omg YES. Just nod and agree and seem like you care, is that so hard to do? Sometimes I wish I had a t-shirt that said that lol
It must be impossible to do cause it NEVER happens man. So annoying. I want to have it tattoo’d to my forehead “Just listen and shut up”
You have a good heart–enjoying a buzz with others ( and acting goofy, but not mean or unkind).
Until you can totally trust your group of people, I would say NOT to catch a buzz with them.