Hurt

What a painfully beautiful song that is, its a cruel paradox that he could create a piece of music worth so much in itself yet still feel worthless himself. Music like that is so valuable for the catharsis it provides.

That last sentence you wrote, about how crippling hope can be actually reminds me of a poem by Akeemjamal Rollins called “suicide note”, which says ‘don’t make me want this again, please don’t make me fight, I’m tired.’ I don’t generally connect with poetry, but this one I really related to.

I hope you push the date back. Because I think when there is still doubt whether to live or die, you may as well opt for life, because if you do, you can still chose death later, but if you chose death you can’t chose life afterwards. I know that’s obvious, and I hope it doesn’t sound patronizing, I just know thinking this way has helped me at times.

I think also its impossible to be worthless when you have suffered to the extent that you want to end your own life. I know without doubt that there is immense strength and worth in battling like you are. People don’t realize how hard it can be to stay alive when your mind constantly wants the opposite, but there is worth simply in fighting, and I admire you for that.

I pray that your nightmares are soon replaced by beautiful dreams, and that those dreams will soon become your reality.