Ugly

All the time. You are certainly not alone in these feelings.

Flaws are beautiful. Photoshopped starving people are not. And they are not real either. I completely understand hating yourself and the way you look. But at the same time I know things others hate about themselves are the very things I have loved about them. It’s a contradiction I can’t seem to get over myself but I think admitting that might be a first step anyway.

You have said in previous posts that you aren’t good at anything…but admit you weren’t too bad at art. Art is tough to get appreciated so if you haven’t gotten the attention for it yet, it doesn’t mean it’s not worth pursuing. Van Gogh, who committed suicide, died broke and unappreciated. His art is now some of the most coveted in the world. It can be a good outlet to let out the pain through creation, not destruction.

Your responses to people’s comments are kind and grateful. My favorite kind of person. In one you said you couldn’t think of a nice thing to say about yourself but you ended that response with a beautiful, caring statement to another person. That right there is something you can put on the list. Ive been dealing with the opposite lately after years of full financial and dream job searching support and I can tell you, even though she was beautiful physically to me when I married her, she is as ugly as any human can be now. Ugliness of the soul counts much more than the skin, and your little responses show a much more beautiful person than your posts allude to. The world needs people who care about others like ive seen from your responses and that is something you will be very good at if you want to pursue it.

I get how you feel. You are young it seems, I’m guessing early HS, and that can be a miserable time surrounded by miserable people. I understand if it doesn’t help right now to hear this, but HS is a meaningless time you will completely forget at some point earlier than you expect. Once the conformists are thrown into a completely opposite situation (college…or Real Life), that’s where you shine. Being unpopular and different becomes ideal.

You recognize depression is eating you up so on some level you know it’s the disease, not you that is the problem. Hold that thought as much as you can for as long as you can. The whole point with depression is the person will always feel the same way – a rich, loved Rock Star – a seemingly magnanimous accomplished actor – an unappreciated artistic genius – a lonely high school student… in every case, it’s not them that is the problem. The rest of the world doesn’t see the misery those people feel is everywhere. It’s the fucking disease that is killing them all. You are not ugly, your disease is.