It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, a really long time it feels like, although it mustn’t have been over a year ago. Regardless, I am still sad, nothing has changed, and although I’m trying to fight this sadness, there are some thoughts that I have been having for a while, and I was going to write them in my “diary”, however I’m decided to write on here instead in hopes to get some outside help or opinions on my current feelings and problems.
Right now, where I am now, I am happy – with my friends who I have recently ended up with, I am happy with what I have achieved over the past year, despite all the suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety and so on. I have been trying to get better, I really have, and I think I have learnt a lot in this time, and one thing that I have learnt is that I am stumped when it comes to self-love, I have tried so hard, and maybe at some points I made progress in loving myself, but everything falls away again, and I am left with an extreme feeling of self-hate and disgust towards myself.
During this time I have been working to find myself, as I do think it’s important in order to love myself. The thing that is making me tired, is that I am really struggling to find who I am. I feel like I keep changing, every day or so, I want to be a different person and everything that I thought I was changings. I hate to admit, but one thing I keep wanting to change is my clothes. I care a lot about how I look, I care a lot about the type of clothes I wear and I spend a lot of money on it, but as soon as I buy clothes that I like and want to buy completely different styles, and this keeping going round in the big dark void as my money slowly disappears.
Another thing I should say, something I do know about myself, it’s that I’m weird, and people like me for that which makes me so happy, but this also gives me anxiety, I know I wear different clothes than everyone else and I’m okay with that, but that’s why it’s important to me that I look my best, so I can express myself in what I wear, so I can be who I want to be, but I keep changing my mind on things and it’s making me so tired.
I’m also an artist, I am creative (I do believe these two aspects are important to explain what my mentalities like), I have an extremely childish mind, yet a very dark one, I know this about myself, but I keep wanting to change, I want to change my style constantly, I don’t know how other people see me, I keep getting loads of anxiety about how I look and I almost feel as if, if I looked at myself in the mirror, like actually looked at myself, I would just see a blur, a blur that keeps changing colours, from purple to green, to red. Who I am right now isn’t clear to me, it makes me hate myself because when I change, the ‘personality’ who I changed from is someone who I no longer feel comfortable in, and I get extreme anxiety, which is making me tired and sad.
I know the road is long, but I don’t know what to do right now, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to be going, and nothing is clear to me.
Thank you for hearing me out, I really appreciate it. I also want to let you guys know, because there’s always someone that asks – I’m a 17 year old girl.
1 comment
It was similar with me in my teenage, maybe not in objects but in the general theme – giving attention to details. I think it happens to everybody in late teenage. And it is certainly better than the hardened state we turn into as we grow older. About changing – change signifies life. It shows that you are lively.