if only wife, stepdaughter, therapist did not care so much. Their care does not remove my pain, just makes me keep tolerating it. Over time therapist has contributed much balance and understanding to me but the pain just goes on. Everyday I ask, is it gonna be me or them?
Should we? I keep searching and searching for my answer to this existential dilemma. My wife even wonders if she is selfish in wanting me to go on.
The most consistent pattern I detect in public figures that offed themselves was perhaps a predisposition to it and a looming horror in their lives. Not always was this the case but it is a pattern.
For me it is a daily question. Should I? Meanwhile they just keep amping up the love. Damn.
I mean, I kind of feel like you have a responsibility to your kid, assuming she’s still underage. I can’t help but think about my half brother, who was discarded by both his parents, made out to be something to be ashamed of, and when I think about what he had to go through I get really angry. Parents shouldn’t abandon their children.
Obviously your situation is completely different and I don’t know what kind of a relationship you have with your stepdaughter, but if she sees you as a father figure and is still young enough to need her parents… well you should consider the damage your actions might leave her with.
@ PurpleK Stepdaugher has family of our her own but in a sense we never stop being children at any age. Yes I am a father figure for her and she is a daughter-at-heart for me. Yes the responsibility is there. If only it where not…
Yes I get it. I only said anything because it’s a sensitive subject because of my brother. But I get where you’re coming from as well, having to live only for other people is horrible and exhausting.
Agreed. Suffering on and on seemingly without an end in sight for others sake is a bit more bearable when I see that several of us are in the same boat. Not sure if our self sacrifice called living is us exaggerating our own importance to others or others exaggerating our importance to them or just a downright fierce aversion to death in general or what but whatever our reasons we keep living and typing.
I know what you mean. Every time I seriously consider suicide I see my mom, hearing about what happened, what I’ve done. I see her break down and not get back up, because I’m her entire world. If I do it, I’m going to destroy my parents’ lives, especially my mother’s.
I kind of wish she didn’t love me, at least not so much.
But in a way, isn’t it easier, knowing you have someone in your life who would care if you died? I mean can you imagine, being so alone that you don’t have anyone who’d give a damn?
Even if my mother desperately wanted me to stay (which she pretends to. It’s a big fucking lie. half the time she pretends to be helpful/supportive/love me, the other half she is scary abusive) I’d still kill my self. (She’s only 20% “there” anyway.)
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if only wife, stepdaughter, therapist did not care so much. Their care does not remove my pain, just makes me keep tolerating it. Over time therapist has contributed much balance and understanding to me but the pain just goes on. Everyday I ask, is it gonna be me or them?
Should we endure all this pain for others?
Should we? I keep searching and searching for my answer to this existential dilemma. My wife even wonders if she is selfish in wanting me to go on.
The most consistent pattern I detect in public figures that offed themselves was perhaps a predisposition to it and a looming horror in their lives. Not always was this the case but it is a pattern.
For me it is a daily question. Should I? Meanwhile they just keep amping up the love. Damn.
I mean, I kind of feel like you have a responsibility to your kid, assuming she’s still underage. I can’t help but think about my half brother, who was discarded by both his parents, made out to be something to be ashamed of, and when I think about what he had to go through I get really angry. Parents shouldn’t abandon their children.
Obviously your situation is completely different and I don’t know what kind of a relationship you have with your stepdaughter, but if she sees you as a father figure and is still young enough to need her parents… well you should consider the damage your actions might leave her with.
@ PurpleK Stepdaugher has family of our her own but in a sense we never stop being children at any age. Yes I am a father figure for her and she is a daughter-at-heart for me. Yes the responsibility is there. If only it where not…
*family of her own*
Yes I get it. I only said anything because it’s a sensitive subject because of my brother. But I get where you’re coming from as well, having to live only for other people is horrible and exhausting.
Agreed. Suffering on and on seemingly without an end in sight for others sake is a bit more bearable when I see that several of us are in the same boat. Not sure if our self sacrifice called living is us exaggerating our own importance to others or others exaggerating our importance to them or just a downright fierce aversion to death in general or what but whatever our reasons we keep living and typing.
I know what you mean. Every time I seriously consider suicide I see my mom, hearing about what happened, what I’ve done. I see her break down and not get back up, because I’m her entire world. If I do it, I’m going to destroy my parents’ lives, especially my mother’s.
I kind of wish she didn’t love me, at least not so much.
But in a way, isn’t it easier, knowing you have someone in your life who would care if you died? I mean can you imagine, being so alone that you don’t have anyone who’d give a damn?
Even if my mother desperately wanted me to stay (which she pretends to. It’s a big fucking lie. half the time she pretends to be helpful/supportive/love me, the other half she is scary abusive) I’d still kill my self. (She’s only 20% “there” anyway.)