Started organizing my things and am also in the process of trying to sell things. Everyone in my family thinks it is because I am planning on moving out of the country, but in reality it is to organize what might be the end. It would be nice to have some money. Wish I could be someone’s sugar baby. I am tired. I don’t think things will ever get better. I once believed that it would, but I am now 30 and it hasn’t changed. My disappointments and heartbreaks never seem to end.
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I’m kind of doing that too selling what I can so hopefully nit much us left, although.. I have a date I’ve promised myself to live to…. even tho what I wish happens I’m sure won’t, I guess a big part of me just can’t stand the thought that the chance at happiness I covet would be passed up….so I’m just here not really living just getting through these terrible days… trying not to break down trying just to be ok, but I’m never ok it’s true just like with you something always happens to break my heart and let me down and it kills me inside in tired too I just don’t have it in me… No one should have to hurt like this for any reason.
Agreed.
Honestly, you can be a sugar baby at any age. Its about filling a hole or void- and that can’t always be filled by someone who is super young, or super pretty, or ” dumb and pretty”. I’m not saying you should be a sugar baby…but it took me awhile to realize that is really okay to be alone. I actually found some peace in being alone. A peace not having to answer to someone, or worry about someone, or be scared of someone (abusive relationship).
I read someone’s comments about it feeling “safer” to be alone and love someone from afar. I think that in a way its true. However, I don’t think about anything much nowadays, including my love-life because I have so many family obligations…they are hard to shake because these values are instilled in me. And I’m very tired of taking care of people. I see only one way out.
I, like you, are also selling things. I am thinking it will make things easier even if I don’t choose to act on any of my feelings. It’s my way of attempting to purge even though i still feel pretty dirty inside.
I will pray your disappointments are temporary and that your period of heartbreak is brief.
Honestly for me it isn’t about filling the void by a person. It is getting temporary happiness with items and getting things paid for. I think cleaning in general is cleansing whether either of us actually ends up committing suicide. Thank you for your prayers.
Same here (2nd half of the paragraph).
Dear blackveal, do you think if you met a decent person you’d feel a little bit better? I know when I was at (one of) my lowest point in life and felt absolutely no will to live, my ex was too busy being unfaithful. I don’t know how I made it through that time, perhaps I was simply a coward to see myself to my end. Things did get better when I left her, but my self-esteem still has been double-flushed in the shitter. I think the worse times for me are when I’m alone with my negative thoughts for too long. I enjoy my independence, but I don’t want to be lonely.
I feel like it’s okay for me to suffer, since I’m used to it. But I don’t think you deserve to. And it would be easier to answer that as a question to yourself with a final exit from the stage. But even though you’ve been hurt, isn’t there a decent person out there, that won’t judge you, someone that will treat you with respect? I think that same person would respect whatever your decisions in life would be, and do so without riding the righteous wagon nor throw you under the bus.
Dear LucidFuture,
I think having almost every trust worthy person hurting me since I was a child has made me distrust all people. When I finally gained enough trust in my ex he cheated on me during the hardest moment of my life, when I needed him the most. I know there are decent people out there, but I seem to attract the non-decent people. Perhaps they can sense the hurt.
Very sorry you’ve been not only exposed to those kinds but also having to endure that crap. I hope you know you don’t deserve that. I’m a guy that doesn’t sling shit on a woman while in a relationship. I credit that to my mom being a virtuous first woman in my life years even before I grew up to be a man. Yes. There are good ones out there.
I’d say I have some trust issues when meeting or going out with women. My was unfaithful, and the pain healed years ago. It was easier to cut sling, because that is who she is, she’ll always be like that since it’s more like an addiction for her.
For me, I just need to move forward. There are no guarantees, but a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) will most likely display other personality traits that ascribe to being a cheater. GENUINE people have NOTHING to hide. People with flaws, especially INTEGRITY flaws, will truly display elusive behaviors in other aspects in their lives. In my opinion, it just takes a little more of being aware and astute to pick those traits out from the beginning.
So, I ask myself things questions to ensure I don’t allow another woman to INTENTIONALLY hurt my feelings with words, actions or inaction:
How effed up is her history?
How much of her effed up history am I willing to accept?
Will her history cause her to sabotage any potential relationship?
Exactly how is she attracted to me, is it genuine or superficial?
Is she consistent or unstable like a wild banshee?
What are her warning signs, are they detrimental to me or a relationship?
Is it just passion only? Can she be my friend, too?
You must be tired. 30 is the toughest corner especially for a woman. Unless you are YOUTH WOMAN and seem 25 still. 30 is hard, you still have life and energy. I assume you are a real woman. And with being a real woman, 30 brings great difficulties.
I assume you are real dark, long dark hair and a really, really real woman. Probably a woman that is needed…
Move out the country…. That is a great thing to do.
That is what I would do.
If you are a real woman.
I am a real 30 year old woman.